What Men Find Attractive in Personality — What Research Shows
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
David Buss's landmark cross-cultural study of mate preferences (1989), spanning thirty-seven cultures, found that both men and women rated kindness and intelligence among the most desired traits in a partner. Men did, on average, place somewhat more weight on physical attractiveness than women did, but warmth and a dependable, kind character were near-universal priorities for both sexes.
Eastwick and Finkel's speed-dating research (2008) complicated the older picture. When men's stated preferences were compared with what actually predicted their attraction during live interactions, the supposed male emphasis on looks did not reliably forecast who they were drawn to in person. Qualities like warmth, responsiveness, and a sense of humor mattered a great deal once people were interacting rather than reading a checklist.
These differences are modest and the overlap is large. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) holds here too: when it comes to valuing a kind, intelligent, warm partner, men and women look far more alike than different, and individual taste varies enormously within each group.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Kindness and warmth are strong signals of how someone is likely to treat a partner over the long run. From an evolutionary standpoint, Buss argued that traits predicting cooperation, care, and reliability are valuable to anyone seeking a lasting bond, which helps explain why they show up at the top of both men's and women's lists rather than being a 'female' preference.
Intelligence and a lively personality also signal compatibility and the promise of an interesting life together. People tend to be drawn to those who feel stimulating to be around and easy to share a future with, and humor in particular often reads as a marker of warmth and intelligence at once.
The gap between what men say and what actually attracts them likely reflects how stated preferences work. It is easy to name physical attractiveness in the abstract, but in a real encounter the felt experience of someone's warmth, attentiveness, and wit tends to drive the spark — which is why checklists predict attraction poorly.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A man who describes his 'type' in physical terms but ends up falling for someone who simply makes him laugh and feel at ease is living out the gap Eastwick and Finkel documented between stated preference and lived attraction.
Many men report that feeling genuinely liked and accepted by someone warm is a powerful draw — being around a person whose kindness extends to waiters, friends, and strangers often registers as more attractive over time than striking looks alone.
Shared humor frequently does heavy lifting early on. A conversation that flows and turns playful can shift someone from 'attractive on paper' to 'I can't stop thinking about them,' which is why personality so often outlasts first impressions.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
The biggest misconception is that men are driven mainly by looks. The research suggests physical attractiveness matters more on average to men's initial interest, but for a relationship of any depth, kindness, intelligence, and warmth tend to weigh at least as heavily — and predict actual attraction better than appearance does once people interact.
It is also a mistake to read the average male edge on valuing looks as a large or universal difference. The overlap with women is substantial, and many men prioritize character and connection from the start.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
If you are wondering what makes you attractive to a particular man, the research points away from trying to fit a physical ideal and toward letting genuine warmth, humor, and intelligence show. These qualities are what tend to sustain attraction past a first impression.
It also helps to take stated 'types' with some humility. Because real attraction so often diverges from the checklist, men and women alike may be drawn to someone quite different from who they imagined, and staying open to that can matter more than matching a profile.
Where it varies
The nuance
These are population averages, and individual men vary enormously. Some weigh looks heavily, others barely at all, and personality preferences are shaped by culture, age, life stage, and personal history far more than by gender.
Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) is worth repeating here: on most relationship preferences, men and women overlap heavily. The shared human pull toward kindness, intelligence, and warmth is the headline; the average differences are the footnote.
Questions people ask about this
What personality traits do men tend to find most attractive?
Research like Buss's cross-cultural work points to kindness, warmth, and intelligence ranking at or near the top, often alongside humor. These tend to matter most for lasting attraction. Individual men vary widely, so these are average patterns rather than a universal formula.
Do men really value looks over personality?
On average men report weighing physical attractiveness somewhat more than women do, especially for initial interest. But Eastwick and Finkel found that stated looks-focus poorly predicts who men are actually drawn to in person, where warmth and humor matter a great deal.
Is kindness actually attractive to men?
Research suggests yes. Across cultures, kindness consistently ranks among the most desired traits for both men and women. It signals how someone is likely to treat a partner over time, which helps explain why it stays near the top of the list for lasting relationships.
Does intelligence make a woman more attractive to men?
Studies generally find intelligence is broadly valued by both sexes. Men commonly rate it among their top preferences for a long-term partner. As with most traits, individual taste varies, and what feels attractive often depends on overall compatibility rather than any single quality.
Why do men say one thing about their type but date someone different?
Eastwick and Finkel's research suggests stated preferences predict real attraction poorly. It's easy to name a physical type in the abstract, but in a live encounter, warmth, responsiveness, and humor tend to drive the spark, often pulling people toward someone unlike their imagined type.
Do men and women want very different things in a partner's personality?
Research suggests they overlap far more than they differ. Both tend to prize kindness, intelligence, and warmth. The average gaps that exist, such as men's slightly greater emphasis on looks, are modest, and individual differences within each group are much larger.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Buss, D. M. (1989). Sex differences in human mate preferences. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12(1), 1–49.
- Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245–264.
- Montoya, R. M., & Horton, R. S. (2013). A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(1), 64–94.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.