What Men Find Attractive Beyond Physical Appearance
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
David Buss's landmark cross-cultural study of mate preferences across 37 cultures (1989) found that while men, on average, placed somewhat more emphasis on physical attractiveness than women did, the traits ranked highest by both sexes nearly everywhere were kindness and intelligence. Physical appeal was one factor among several, not the dominant one, which already complicates the idea that men care mainly about looks.
Eastwick and Finkel (2008) added a crucial twist. When they studied people in live attraction settings rather than questionnaires, the preferences men stated in advance — including for physical attractiveness — did a poor job of predicting who they actually felt drawn to. In other words, what men say they want and what moves them in the moment often diverge, and qualities like rapport and chemistry frequently outweigh the checklist.
Reciprocal liking is one of the most reliable findings in attraction research: we tend to be drawn to people who seem to like us. Signals of genuine interest and warmth often kindle attraction on their own. Aron and colleagues (2000) also showed that sharing novel, engaging experiences increases felt closeness and attraction, suggesting that what people do together and how they connect can matter as much as how they look.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Kindness and warmth signal what evolutionary and relationship psychologists call a good long-term partner — someone safe, cooperative, and likely to invest. For men considering more than a fleeting connection, these cues carry real weight because they predict whether a relationship will be supportive and stable. Intelligence and a sense of humor function similarly, signaling compatibility, liveliness, and the capacity for the kind of conversation that sustains a bond.
Reciprocal liking works because being liked is rewarding and lowers the risk of rejection. When someone signals genuine warmth and interest, it both feels good and makes pursuing the connection feel safe, which is why feeling admired and wanted is itself attractive. This is not vanity; it is the ordinary human pull toward people in whose company we feel valued rather than evaluated.
Shared values and emotional availability matter because lasting attraction depends on more than a spark. Aligning on what matters — how to live, what to prioritize, how to treat people — reduces friction and deepens trust, while emotional openness makes intimacy possible. The self-expansion effect adds another layer: we are drawn to partners who broaden our world through shared growth and new experiences.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A man may find someone strikingly more attractive after seeing her treat a stranger with genuine kindness, or after a conversation that made him laugh and think. The appeal that grows out of character and chemistry often surpasses a first impression based on looks alone — and frequently outlasts it.
The reciprocal-liking effect shows up constantly: people often become interested in someone specifically after sensing that interest is mutual. Warmth and evident enjoyment of his company can spark attraction that a flawless but distant impression never does, because feeling genuinely liked is its own draw.
Long-term couples frequently report that what cemented attraction was discovering shared values and an easy emotional connection — feeling understood, aligned, and able to be themselves. The initial physical pull may have opened the door, but it was compatibility and warmth that turned interest into lasting attraction.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
The biggest misconception, reinforced by advertising and a lot of dating advice, is that men are driven almost entirely by physical appearance. Research suggests looks matter but are far from the whole story: kindness and intelligence rank at the top cross-culturally, and what men say they prioritize predicts real attraction poorly. Reducing male attraction to looks both flattens men and misleads people about what actually draws them.
A related error is treating attraction as a fixed checklist. In practice, qualities like reciprocal warmth, humor, shared experience, and rapport can override stated preferences entirely. Attraction is relational and dynamic — it emerges between two people through interaction — far more than it is a tally of features measured at first glance.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
If you are wondering what draws a man, the evidence points beyond appearance toward warmth, genuine interest, shared values, humor, and emotional availability — and toward simply seeming to like him, since reciprocal liking is a powerful pull. Trying to compete on looks alone misreads how attraction actually forms for most people.
Because attraction deepens through connection, shared novel experiences and honest emotional engagement tend to build it more than any single trait. This cuts both ways: presence, curiosity, and kindness are not only what many men find attractive but also what helps a relationship grow past the initial spark into something durable.
Where it varies
The nuance
These are averages with heavy overlap between individuals and between the sexes. While men report valuing physical attractiveness somewhat more than women do on average, Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) is a useful reminder that on most psychological measures the sexes are far more alike than different — and both rank kindness and intelligence at the top.
What any individual man finds attractive depends on his personality, values, culture, and life stage far more than on his gender. Someone seeking a long-term partner tends to weight character and compatibility heavily; preferences also shift with age and experience. Treat these patterns as a general picture, not a formula that describes every man.
Questions people ask about this
Do men really only care about looks?
No. Research suggests physical attractiveness matters to many men but is far from the whole picture. Buss's cross-cultural work found kindness and intelligence ranked highest for both sexes, and other studies show stated preferences for looks predict real-life attraction poorly. Character, warmth, and chemistry often outweigh appearance, especially for lasting attraction.
What non-physical traits do men find most attractive?
On average, men rate kindness, warmth, intelligence, and a good sense of humor highly, along with shared values and emotional availability. Feeling genuinely liked also draws men in strongly. These vary by individual, but research consistently finds character and connection matter far more than the 'men only want looks' stereotype suggests.
Does being liked actually make someone more attractive?
Yes — reciprocal liking is one of the most reliable findings in attraction research. We tend to be drawn to people who seem to like us, because it feels rewarding and lowers the risk of rejection. Genuine warmth and evident interest can spark attraction that a distant, perfect impression never does.
Why doesn't what men say they want match who they're attracted to?
Eastwick and Finkel found that preferences people state in advance, including for looks, predict real-life attraction poorly. In the moment, rapport, chemistry, and how someone makes them feel often override the checklist. Attraction is relational and emerges through interaction more than it follows a list of features.
Does intelligence make a woman more attractive to men?
Research suggests it does for many men, especially those seeking a long-term partner. Buss found intelligence ranked among the top traits for both sexes across cultures. Intelligence signals compatibility and the capacity for engaging conversation, though how much any individual weights it varies with his values and what he's looking for.
How can shared experiences increase attraction?
Aron and colleagues found that doing novel, engaging activities together increases felt closeness and attraction. Shared experiences create connection and a sense of growing together, which deepens the bond beyond first impressions. This 'self-expansion' effect helps explain why what a couple does together can matter as much as appearance.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Buss, D. M. (1989). Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses tested in 37 cultures. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12(1), 1–49.
- Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245–264.
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.