How to Keep the Spark Alive — What Psychology Actually Shows
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Passionate love, the intense and arousal-driven longing measured by Hatfield and Sprecher's Passionate Love Scale (1986), tends to be highest early and to soften as a relationship matures. Most couples report this shift, which suggests it reflects normal adaptation rather than a problem to be feared. The research points toward replacing fading novelty with intentional shared experience rather than mourning the loss of the initial high.
Arthur Aron and colleagues (2000) found that couples who took part in novel and arousing activities together reported higher relationship quality afterward than couples doing pleasant but familiar things. This self-expansion effect suggests that growing and exploring alongside a partner can rekindle a sense of excitement, and it appears to work for both partners rather than favoring one gender.
Gordon and colleagues (2012) found that everyday gratitude — feeling and expressing appreciation for a partner — predicted greater relationship maintenance and commitment over time. Gottman's research on 'turning toward' small bids for connection points in a similar direction: it is often the accumulation of minor responsive moments, more than grand gestures, that tends to keep warmth alive.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Part of the cooling is biological and cognitive. Novelty drives much of early passion, and as partners become familiar and predictable the same stimulation no longer produces the same charge. The self-expansion model suggests we feel most alive when a relationship is still expanding our sense of who we are, so couples who keep learning and doing new things together tend to recapture some of that energy.
Daily life also crowds out connection. Stress, routine, work, and caregiving can pull attention away from a partner, so small bids for closeness get missed. Over time, a pattern of turning away — even unintentionally — tends to erode the sense of being prioritized, while consistently turning toward those bids tends to rebuild it.
Attention and appreciation drift naturally toward what feels new or uncertain, so a familiar partner can start to feel like background. Gratitude appears to counter this by deliberately refocusing attention on a partner's value, which research suggests strengthens both partners' motivation to invest in the bond.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A couple who feels flat might assume something is wrong with their compatibility, when in practice their weeks have become a loop of chores, screens, and logistics. Introducing something genuinely new together — a class, a trip, an unfamiliar challenge — often reawakens a sense of aliveness that no amount of repeating old date-night habits provided.
One partner may quietly do many caring things while the other no longer notices them. Naming appreciation out loud — thanking a partner for a specific effort rather than assuming it is understood — tends to shift the emotional climate for both people, not just the one being thanked.
Small daily moments often matter more than occasions. A partner who looks up and responds when the other shares a thought, rather than half-listening, is making a deposit. Many couples find that these tiny turning-toward moments, repeated, do more for the spark than an expensive anniversary.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that fading intensity means the relationship is failing or that the partners were never truly compatible. Research suggests the early rush almost always cools and that this is a normal stage, not a verdict — what matters more is what couples build in its place.
Another mistake is treating spark as something that should arrive on its own or be reignited only through grand romantic gestures. The evidence points more toward ordinary, repeatable habits — novelty, gratitude, responsiveness — than toward occasional spectacular events.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Couples who want to sustain attraction tend to benefit from deliberately scheduling shared novelty and growth rather than waiting to feel spontaneously excited. Trying new activities together, however small, can reintroduce some of the self-expansion that fueled early passion.
Expressing genuine, specific appreciation and consistently responding to a partner's small bids for connection appear to be among the most reliable everyday habits for keeping warmth alive. Both partners contributing to these habits tends to matter more than either one doing them alone.
Where it varies
The nuance
These patterns are averages drawn from groups, and individuals vary widely. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) reminds us that men and women are far more alike than different on most psychological measures, and the ingredients of lasting spark — novelty, gratitude, responsiveness — appear to help people of either gender rather than one more than the other.
What rekindles connection also depends on the couple. Attachment style, life stage, stress load, and personality all shape how much novelty feels exciting versus overwhelming. There is no single formula, and some couples thrive on calm steadiness more than on continual new adventure.
Questions people ask about this
Is it normal for the spark to fade over time?
Research suggests it is very common. Passionate intensity tends to be highest early and to soften as partners become familiar. For most couples this is a normal shift rather than a sign of failure, and deeper companionate attachment often grows in its place as the early rush cools.
Can a faded spark be rekindled?
Often, yes. Studies on self-expansion suggest that sharing novel and arousing activities together tends to raise relationship quality and a sense of excitement. Gratitude and responsiveness also appear to help. There are no guarantees, but for many couples the spark can be meaningfully revived.
Does novelty really help keep attraction alive?
The research leans that way. Aron and colleagues found couples doing novel, stimulating activities together reported more relationship satisfaction than those doing familiar ones. The effect appears to work because growing and exploring alongside a partner tends to reawaken some of the energy of early love.
How important are small daily gestures compared with grand romance?
Research suggests the small, repeated moments often matter more. Gottman's work on turning toward a partner's bids, and studies on everyday gratitude, point to ordinary responsiveness as a stronger predictor of lasting warmth than occasional grand gestures, though both can play a role.
Do men and women need different things to keep the spark alive?
On average the differences appear modest. The core ingredients — novelty, appreciation, and responsiveness — tend to help both partners. Individual preferences vary more than gender does, so understanding a specific partner usually matters more than relying on broad generalizations about men or women.
Does expressing gratitude actually strengthen a relationship?
Research by Gordon and colleagues suggests it does. Couples who felt and expressed appreciation tended to show greater commitment and relationship maintenance over time. Naming specific things you value in a partner appears to refocus attention on their worth and motivate both people to keep investing.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274.
- Hatfield, E., & Sprecher, S. (1986). Measuring passionate love in intimate relationships. Journal of Adolescence, 9(4), 383–410.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.