How Shared Experiences Deepen Love — The Psychology
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
The self-expansion model (Aron and colleagues) proposes that people are drawn to relationships that broaden their identities, abilities, and experiences. In a series of studies, Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna and Heyman (2000) found that couples who took part in novel and arousing activities together reported higher relationship quality afterward than couples doing pleasant-but-familiar activities — suggesting that shared novelty, not just shared time, is what refreshes a bond.
Related work shows how shared experience can manufacture closeness even between strangers. Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone and Bator (1997) created the famous 'closeness' procedure in which pairs took turns answering progressively personal questions, generating striking feelings of intimacy in under an hour. The takeaway is that structured, mutual self-disclosure — a kind of shared experience — accelerates connection.
Excitement and arousal also play a role in how love is felt. Hatfield and Sprecher's (1986) work on passionate love describes an aroused, absorbed state, and shared exciting activities can lend some of that arousal to the relationship itself. None of this is unique to one gender; the effects appear broadly across couples.
The mechanism
Why this happens
At the heart of it is self-expansion. We tend to feel good around people and activities that grow our sense of who we are and what we can do. When a partner is part of new, stimulating experiences, the relationship gets credited with that growth, and the partner becomes woven into an expanded sense of self.
Novelty also counters habituation. Familiar routines, however comfortable, stop generating much excitement, and couples can drift into a pleasant but flat 'companionate' steadiness. Introducing new and engaging activities reintroduces stimulation and gives partners fresh things to discover about each other.
Shared challenge and mild arousal can heighten the felt intensity of being together. Doing something slightly demanding or thrilling side by side tends to be experienced partly as excitement about the relationship — a process that helps explain why couples often feel closer after an adventure than after another quiet evening at home.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A couple who takes a cooking class, travels somewhere unfamiliar, or learns a sport together often reports feeling reconnected afterward — not because the activity itself was romantic, but because doing something new side by side refreshed the sense of growth and discovery between them.
Long-term partners who feel a bit stale sometimes find that swapping one more night of television for a genuinely novel outing reliably lifts the mood between them. The research suggests it's the novelty and engagement, more than the expense or grandeur, that does the work.
Even structured conversation can count as a shared experience that deepens connection. Couples who set aside time for honest, progressively personal questions — rather than only logistics — often report feeling notably closer, echoing the closeness-generating studies.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that simply spending more time together is enough to keep love strong. The research points more specifically to shared novelty and engagement — couples can spend a great deal of time together in comfortable routines and still feel the spark fade.
Another misread is that the activity has to be expensive or dramatic. What seems to matter is that it's new, absorbing, and shared — a free walk somewhere unfamiliar or learning a skill together can do more for a bond than a costly but passive outing.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
If a relationship feels flat, the research suggests injecting novelty rather than just adding hours: try activities that are new, mildly challenging, and engaging for both partners. The goal is shared growth and a little excitement, which tend to get associated with the relationship itself.
It also helps to treat connection as something you do together, not just talk about. Mutual self-disclosure — making time for honest, progressively personal conversation — is itself a shared experience that builds intimacy, and pairs well with shared activity to keep a bond feeling alive over the long run.
Where it varies
The nuance
These effects appear broadly across men and women, and Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) is a reminder that on most psychological measures the sexes are more alike than different. The pull toward self-expansion and the lift from shared novelty are human patterns rather than gendered ones.
What counts as novel or arousing varies a great deal between people. For one couple a hiking trip is invigorating; for another it's stressful, and a quiet creative project does more. The principle is shared, engaging novelty matched to both partners — not any particular activity — and personality and life stage shape what fits.
Questions people ask about this
Why do shared experiences seem to deepen love?
Research on self-expansion suggests we bond strongly with partners who broaden our sense of self through new experiences. When a partner is part of novel, engaging activities, the relationship gets associated with growth and excitement, which tends to refresh closeness more than familiar routines do.
Is spending more time together enough to keep love strong?
Time helps, but research points more specifically to shared novelty and engagement. Couples can spend plenty of comfortable time together and still feel the spark dim. Introducing new, absorbing activities tends to do more for a bond than simply adding more hours of familiar routine.
Do the activities have to be expensive or dramatic?
Generally no. What seems to matter is that an experience is new, engaging, and shared rather than costly or grand. A free walk somewhere unfamiliar, learning a skill, or an honest deeper conversation can strengthen a bond as much as an expensive but passive outing.
Why does a couple often feel closer after an adventure?
Shared challenge and mild excitement tend to be experienced partly as excitement about the relationship itself. Doing something new and slightly arousing side by side lends that energy to the bond, which helps explain why an adventure can reconnect partners more than another quiet evening.
Can conversation count as a shared experience?
It can. Studies on generating closeness found that structured, progressively personal self-disclosure created strong feelings of intimacy, even between strangers. Setting aside time for honest, deeper conversation — not just logistics — is itself a shared experience that tends to build connection.
Does this work the same for men and women?
The effects appear broadly across genders, and research on gender similarities suggests men and women are more alike than different here. What varies more is what each person finds novel or exciting — so the key is choosing engaging activities that genuinely fit both partners, not any single type.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
- Hatfield, E., & Sprecher, S. (1986). Measuring passionate love in intimate relationships. Journal of Adolescence, 9(4), 383–410.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.