Why We Miss Our Ex — The Psychology of Longing
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Hazan and Shaver (1987) established that adult romantic love operates through the attachment system — the same bonding mechanism that ties children to caregivers. Because a partner becomes an attachment figure, a breakup is experienced as the loss of a source of security, which helps explain why the longing can feel so physical and persistent rather than purely a matter of preference.
Sbarra and Emery (2005) tracked the emotional aftermath of non-marital breakups and found that distress, love, and sadness often persist and overlap for some time after a relationship ends. The feelings do not vanish at the breakup; they tend to fade gradually, and people can continue to feel love for a former partner well into the separation.
Field (2017), reviewing the research on romantic breakup distress, describes responses that can resemble grief and even a withdrawal-like state — preoccupation, craving contact, and difficulty letting go. This points to how strongly the bond can grip us, while also noting that for most people the intensity eases over time as the attachment system reorganizes.
The mechanism
Why this happens
At the core is broken attachment. Hazan and Shaver (1987) frame a partner as someone the attachment system relies on for comfort and security, so losing them registers as a threat the mind keeps trying to resolve by seeking them out. The pull to text, check on, or reunite with an ex is often this system protesting the loss rather than clear evidence the relationship should continue.
Memory adds a second force. After a breakup, recollection tends to emphasize the good moments and soften the bad, producing an idealized image of the ex and the relationship. We end up missing a partly edited version of what we had, which can make the longing more intense than the relationship itself warranted.
There is also a withdrawal-like quality, as Field (2017) describes. A close relationship shapes daily routines, rewards, and a sense of being known; when it ends, the absence of those familiar sources of comfort can feel like craving, with waves of preoccupation that gradually subside as new routines and supports take their place.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
Someone who clearly remembers why a relationship ended still feels a strong urge to reach out at night or after a hard day — a sign that the attachment pull and the rational assessment can run on separate tracks, with longing persisting even when the decision to part was sound.
A person scrolling old photos finds themselves dwelling on the best memories while the conflicts and disappointments fade into the background. This idealized recall can make an ex feel more irreplaceable than the day-to-day relationship actually was.
The missing often comes in waves rather than a steady decline — relatively fine for stretches, then ambushed by a song, a place, or an anniversary. This uneven, grief-like pattern is consistent with how attachment loss tends to ease gradually rather than all at once.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that missing an ex means you should get back together. Research on attachment suggests the longing largely reflects a broken bond and idealized memory, which can persist even after a genuinely necessary breakup. Missing someone is information about attachment, not a reliable verdict on compatibility.
Another error, especially around gender, is assuming men move on quickly and feel less. Studies find both men and women experience real breakup distress; the differences are mostly in expression, not depth. Sbarra and Emery's (2005) work shows lingering love and sadness are common across people, not unique to one sex.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Understanding the missing as attachment doing its work can reduce self-judgment and impulsive reaching out. Knowing that the pull will likely ease as the attachment system reorganizes — and that idealized memory is inflating the picture — helps people ride out the waves without treating every pang as a sign to reconcile.
Field's (2017) review suggests recovery is supported by rebuilding the routines, connections, and sources of comfort the relationship used to provide. Leaning on friends, structure, and time tends to help the bond loosen its grip, whereas constant contact or monitoring an ex often keeps the longing alive.
Where it varies
The nuance
Men and women appear to miss their exes in broadly similar ways. Consistent with Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005), the underlying mechanisms — attachment, idealized memory, withdrawal-like craving — are largely shared, even if cultural norms shape how openly each person grieves the loss.
How much and how long someone misses an ex varies widely by individual. Attachment style, who initiated the breakup, the length and meaning of the relationship, and current support all shape the experience far more than gender does. Missing an ex is also a normal part of grieving, not a flaw to fix.
Questions people ask about this
Why do I miss my ex even though we broke up for good reasons?
Missing an ex largely reflects an attachment bond that does not switch off at the breakup, plus memory that romanticizes the past. The longing can persist even after a genuinely necessary split. It tends to be information about attachment rather than a reliable sign that getting back together is wise.
Is missing an ex a sign we should get back together?
Not reliably. Research suggests the pull to reunite often comes from a broken bond and idealized memory rather than from the relationship actually working. Strong longing can coexist with real incompatibility, so it is worth weighing the reasons you parted alongside the feeling, not in place of it.
How long does it take to stop missing an ex?
There is no fixed timeline; it varies widely by person, by the relationship, and by who ended it. Research suggests distress and lingering love tend to fade gradually rather than disappear at once. For most people the intensity eases over weeks and months as the attachment system reorganizes.
Do men miss their exes as much as women?
Studies find both men and women experience real breakup distress. The reliable differences are more about how openly people express grief than about how deeply they feel it. The stereotype that men move on easily tends to overstate a difference that the research does not strongly support.
Why does missing an ex feel like withdrawal?
A close relationship shapes daily routines, comfort, and a sense of being known. When it ends, the absence of those familiar rewards can produce craving and preoccupation that researchers liken to withdrawal. This is a normal response to losing an attachment figure and tends to ease as new routines form.
How can I stop missing my ex so much?
Approaches that tend to help include rebuilding the routines and connections the relationship provided, leaning on friends, and limiting contact so the bond can loosen. Remembering that memory is romanticizing the past can also reduce the pull. Time matters too, since the longing usually fades gradually rather than instantly.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Grief, anger, and love. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232.
- Field, T. (2017). Romantic breakup distress, betrayal and heartbreak: A review. International Journal of Behavioral Research & Psychology, 5(2), 217–225.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.