Why We Cry and What It Means — The Psychology of Tears
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Ad Vingerhoets, whose book Why Only Humans Weep (2013) synthesizes much of the science, argues that emotional tears are a distinctly human signal. They communicate vulnerability and a need for comfort in a way that is hard to fake, which can elicit support and strengthen social bonds. In this view, crying is not merely an overflow of feeling but a social behavior that helped our highly interdependent species care for one another.
Crying also appears linked to self-regulation. People often report feeling calmer or relieved after crying, particularly when they receive comfort or the situation resolves. The evidence here is mixed and context-dependent — crying does not always make people feel better, and whether it helps seems to depend heavily on the social response and setting — but for many, it functions as part of how the body releases and recovers from intense emotion.
On gender, Kring and Gordon's research (1998) is instructive: when men and women watch emotional films, their reported inner experience and physiological responses are quite similar, even though women tend to show more outward expression. This points to a pattern where the difference in crying is more about expression than about the depth of the underlying feeling.
The mechanism
Why this happens
As a signal, tears work because they are visible, generally involuntary, and tied to distress, which makes them a credible cue that someone genuinely needs help. In a social species, a reliable signal of vulnerability can summon care, comfort, and cooperation — so the capacity to cry may have been favored precisely because it strengthens bonds.
As self-soothing, crying often accompanies a shift in the body's state, and being comforted while crying engages the same attachment and care systems that calm us in other contexts. The relief many people feel is frequently bound up with receiving support, which is part of why crying alone and crying with a caring witness can feel so different.
The average gender gap in crying frequency likely reflects a mix of influences. Socialization teaches many boys to restrain tears while granting girls more permission to express them. There are also physiological factors, such as hormonal differences, that researchers think contribute. Crucially, these shape how readily tears come, not how much emotion is present underneath.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
Someone who tears up while telling a friend about a hard week is, in effect, sending a signal of need — and a friend who responds with warmth often helps them feel steadier, illustrating crying's social function in action.
A man who feels deeply moved at a wedding or a funeral but holds back visible tears is showing the expression-versus-experience gap research describes: the feeling can be just as strong as anyone's, even when socialization has trained the outward display to stay restrained.
Many people notice they hold it together through a stressful event and only cry once they are safe — at home, with a partner, or alone afterward — reflecting how the social context shapes when tears are allowed to surface.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A persistent misconception is that crying more means feeling more, and crying less means feeling less. Research suggests the inner emotional experience is quite similar across people who differ greatly in how much they outwardly cry. Restraint in tears, especially among many men, reflects socialization and expression norms rather than shallower emotion.
Another error is treating crying as inherently a sign of weakness or, conversely, as always cathartic and healthy. The evidence is more balanced: crying is a normal functional response whose effect depends on context, and whether it brings relief hinges largely on the support and setting around it.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Because tears are a bid for connection, how a partner responds matters. Meeting someone's tears with comfort rather than dismissal or discomfort tends to deepen trust, while reacting with impatience can teach a person to hide their feelings — which, over time, can erode closeness.
For couples, it can help to recognize that a partner who rarely cries is not necessarily less affected. Reading depth of feeling from visible tears alone can mislead. Creating a relationship where both partners feel safe to express emotion, in their own way, tends to support intimacy.
Where it varies
The nuance
The differences in crying are averages with enormous overlap. Plenty of men cry readily and plenty of women rarely do; individual temperament, culture, and context shape it strongly. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) underscores that on most emotional measures the sexes are far more alike than different.
How much someone cries also varies with mood, fatigue, life stage, and circumstance, not just stable traits. Crying frequency is not a reliable readout of emotional health, and there is wide normal variation in how often and how easily different people shed tears.
Questions people ask about this
Why do humans cry emotionally?
Research suggests emotional crying serves two main functions: it signals to others that we need support and comfort, helping strengthen social bonds, and it can be part of how we self-soothe and recover from intense emotion. Ad Vingerhoets argues emotional tears are a distinctly human social signal.
Does crying actually make you feel better?
Sometimes, but not always. People often report relief after crying, especially when they receive comfort or the situation resolves. The evidence is mixed and context-dependent — crying does not reliably improve mood on its own, and whether it helps seems to depend largely on the social response and setting.
Do women feel emotions more than men because they cry more?
Research does not support that. Studies like Kring and Gordon's find that men and women report similar inner emotional experiences even when women express more outwardly. The difference in crying is largely about expression and socialization, not about how deeply each sex feels.
Why do men cry less than women on average?
The gap likely reflects socialization — many boys are taught to restrain tears while girls receive more permission to express them — alongside physiological factors such as hormonal differences. These shape how readily tears come, not the amount of emotion underneath. Individual variation is large in both sexes.
Is crying a sign of weakness?
Research frames crying as a normal, functional human response, not a weakness. It can signal a genuine need for support and is part of how many people process emotion. Whether it helps depends on context and the response it receives, but the act itself is a natural, shared human capacity.
Why do I cry when I'm angry or frustrated, not just sad?
Tears are tied to intense emotional arousal generally, not sadness alone. Anger, frustration, and feeling overwhelmed can all bring them on, which is normal. The crying often reflects how strongly the emotion is felt and may serve as both a signal and a release, regardless of which emotion triggered it.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2013). Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears. Oxford University Press.
- Kring, A. M., & Gordon, A. H. (1998). Sex differences in emotion: Expression, experience, and physiology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(3), 686–703.
- Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.