What Makes Someone Fall Out of Love — The Psychology
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
John Gottman's research is central here. Gottman and Levenson (1992) identified patterns of negative interaction that predict relationship dissolution, and Gottman's broader work singles out contempt — communication that conveys disgust or superiority — as an especially strong predictor of decline. It is not the presence of conflict but the corrosive way couples handle it that tends to erode love over time.
Equally important is what stops happening. Research on intimacy as an interpersonal process (Reis and Shaver, 1988) describes closeness as sustained through repeated disclosure met with responsiveness. When partners stop being responsive — missing or dismissing each other's bids for attention and support — the sense of being known and cared for fades, and emotional distance grows even without dramatic conflict.
Gottman's later work on trust and attunement (2011) reinforces that small, repeated moments matter more than grand ones. Love tends to erode through accumulated unrepaired hurts, withdrawn attention, and habituation rather than a single betrayal. The process is usually slow, which is part of why partners are often surprised to realize how far apart they have drifted.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Contempt and chronic criticism are corrosive because they attack a partner's sense of being respected and safe. Over time, repeated experiences of feeling judged or belittled condition someone to brace against their partner rather than turn toward them. Affection cannot easily coexist with a steady drip of disrespect, so warmth withdraws as a form of self-protection.
Lost responsiveness erodes the bond from the other direction. Relationships are sustained by countless small bids for connection; when these are routinely ignored or rebuffed, partners gradually stop reaching out. The attachment system, which thrives on a partner being a reliable safe haven, slowly disengages when that reliability is no longer felt.
Habituation and unrepaired conflict compound the drift. Novelty fades naturally, and without renewal partners can take each other for granted. Crucially, what predicts decline is less the occurrence of hurts than the failure to repair them. Resentments that go unaddressed accumulate, and the relationship's emotional balance tips negative, often so gradually that neither person notices until distance feels normal.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A couple who once shared the small details of their days may, over years, slip into purely logistical exchanges about schedules and chores. Nothing dramatic happens, but the steady loss of curiosity and responsiveness quietly drains the sense of closeness that once defined them.
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, and a tone of contempt during disagreements can do more lasting damage than the disagreements themselves. Over time, a partner on the receiving end stops feeling safe and begins to withdraw warmth as protection, even outside of conflict.
When repeated bids for attention — a story, a touch, a request for support — are met with distraction or dismissal, a partner gradually stops reaching out. The relationship can look intact from outside while the emotional connection has quietly thinned to almost nothing.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
The biggest misconception is that falling out of love is sudden — that feelings simply vanish one day. Research points instead to slow erosion through accumulated negativity and withdrawn responsiveness. By the time someone says they have 'fallen out of love,' the process has usually been underway for a long time, often unaddressed.
Pop culture also frames it as a matter of fate or fading chemistry beyond anyone's control. While attraction does habituate, the evidence suggests much of what erodes love is interactional and, to a meaningful degree, modifiable — contempt can be replaced with respect, and responsiveness can be rebuilt, which is why some couples recover closeness they thought was gone.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Because erosion is gradual and driven by everyday patterns, the most protective habits are also everyday ones: replacing criticism and contempt with respectful complaint, repairing conflicts rather than letting them fester, and consistently turning toward a partner's bids for connection. Small, repeated responsiveness tends to matter more than occasional grand gestures.
Recognizing the early signs — creeping contempt, logistical-only conversation, ignored bids — gives couples a chance to intervene before distance hardens. Falling out of love is rarely a single decision; addressing the small corrosions early is usually far easier than reviving a bond after years of accumulated neglect.
Where it varies
The nuance
These patterns describe tendencies, not a fixed script, and individual variation is large. Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) reminds us that men and women are far more alike than different in how relationships thrive or decline; both can withdraw, both can show contempt, and the corrosive dynamics are not the property of one sex.
Not every fading of love reflects fixable neglect. Sometimes incompatibilities, life changes, or genuine mismatches make distance reasonable, and not all relationships should be preserved. Attachment style, life stress, and circumstances all shape the picture, and falling out of love can be a healthy recognition as well as an avoidable loss.
Questions people ask about this
Does falling out of love happen suddenly?
Usually not. Research suggests it is typically a gradual erosion through accumulated negativity and lost responsiveness rather than a single event. By the time someone names it, the process has often been underway for a long time, which is why the realization can feel abrupt even when the drift was slow.
What is the biggest predictor of love eroding?
Gottman's research points to contempt — communication conveying disgust or superiority — as an especially strong predictor of decline, along with chronic criticism and defensiveness. It is less the presence of conflict than the corrosive way couples handle it that tends to wear love down over time.
Can you fall back in love with someone?
Often, yes. Because much of what erodes love is interactional, rebuilding respect, repair, and responsiveness can revive closeness many couples assume is gone. It takes consistent effort from both partners, and recovery is not guaranteed, but the bond is frequently more modifiable than people expect.
Is losing the early passion the same as falling out of love?
No. The natural easing of early passion usually reflects a deepening attachment bond, not love ending. Falling out of love involves the erosion of that deeper bond through negativity and disconnection. Confusing the two can cause people to leave relationships that are simply maturing.
What are early warning signs?
Common signs include creeping contempt or sarcasm in disagreements, conversations narrowing to logistics, and routinely ignored bids for attention and support. These small corrosions often appear well before anyone feels they have fallen out of love, and noticing them early makes them easier to address.
Do men and women fall out of love differently?
The core dynamics are similar. Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) emphasizes that the sexes are far more alike than different. Both can withdraw, show contempt, or stop being responsive. Individual attachment style and circumstances predict the pattern far better than gender alone.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
- Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton.
- Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.