Understanding Insecurity — Why We Doubt Ourselves and Our Relationships
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Much of what we call insecurity maps onto what attachment researchers describe as attachment anxiety. Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) summarize decades of work showing that people higher in attachment anxiety tend to worry about a partner's availability, scan for signs of rejection, and seek reassurance — often in ways that, paradoxically, can strain the very closeness they crave. This pattern appears across genders, with the average differences between men and women being small.
Insecurity also tracks closely with self-esteem and how we hold our sense of worth. Murray, Holmes and Collins (2006) describe a 'risk regulation system': people who doubt their own value tend to underestimate how much a partner cares for them, and to protect themselves by pulling back at the first hint of rejection. The result is that low self-regard can quietly distort how someone reads an otherwise loving relationship.
A third thread is social comparison. Festinger's (1954) theory holds that people evaluate themselves by comparing with others, and chronic upward comparison — measuring oneself against those who seem more attractive, successful, or loved — reliably erodes confidence. Modern life, with its constant curated glimpses of other people, gives this old tendency a great deal to feed on.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Insecurity often has roots in earlier experiences of unreliable care, criticism, or rejection, which can teach the nervous system to expect that love is conditional or precarious. From an attachment standpoint, this learning is adaptive in the moment — staying vigilant to threat once protected us — even when it later works against connection. It is a strategy that outlived its usefulness, not a character defect.
It is also fueled by how self-worth is anchored. When someone's sense of being 'enough' depends heavily on a partner's approval, an outcome at work, or how they measure up to others, their confidence becomes contingent and easily shaken. Murray and colleagues' work suggests this fragility is what turns ordinary ambiguity — a short reply, a distracted mood — into evidence of being unwanted.
Finally, insecurity tends to be self-reinforcing. Reassurance-seeking can briefly soothe but rarely resolves the underlying doubt, so it returns; withdrawal protects against hurt but also blocks the closeness that would disconfirm the fear. Both responses can leave the insecure person feeling, over time, more alone — which deepens the original belief.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
Someone reads a partner's quiet evening as a sign that interest is fading, then asks repeatedly whether everything is okay. The questions come from love and fear, but they can leave a partner feeling distrusted, which strains the bond and seems to confirm the worry.
A person who feels they do not measure up scrolls through images of others' relationships and concludes their own is lacking — not because anything is wrong, but because comparison has set an unwinnable bar. The insecurity lives in the gap between self-image and an idealized standard.
Another person handles the same doubt by going quiet and self-sufficient, deciding not to need anyone too much. This can look like confidence from the outside, but it often masks the same underlying fear of relying on someone who might leave.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that insecurity is simply a lack of confidence that someone should be able to 'just get over.' Research frames it more as a learned pattern of threat-monitoring tied to attachment and self-worth — something that responds to consistent safety and reflection, not to willpower or being told to stop worrying.
It is also often mistaken for neediness or weakness, and assumed to belong mainly to one gender. The evidence does not support that: insecurity appears across the spectrum, and men frequently experience it too, sometimes expressed through control, withdrawal, or overwork rather than open reassurance-seeking.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Because insecurity is sensitive to perceived safety, partners can help by being consistent and explicit about affection rather than leaving warmth to be inferred. Murray's risk-regulation research suggests that clear, reliable signals of care can gradually lower the defensive vigilance that drives the cycle, though no partner can fully 'cure' another's self-doubt.
For the insecure person, the more durable shift tends to come from building worth that does not depend entirely on a partner's moods or on comparison with others. Noticing the difference between a feeling ('I feel unwanted') and a fact, and resisting the urge to act on every spike of fear, can slowly interrupt the loop.
Where it varies
The nuance
These are tendencies, not types. Hyde's (2005) gender similarities hypothesis is a useful reminder that men and women overlap heavily on most emotional measures, and insecurity is no exception — the differences are mostly in how it is expressed, not whether it is felt.
Some degree of insecurity is also part of any meaningful attachment; caring about someone we could lose naturally involves vulnerability. The concern is less about occasional doubt than about chronic, distorting anxiety, and individual attachment style and history usually predict that better than gender does.
Questions people ask about this
What tends to cause insecurity in relationships?
Research points to a mix: attachment anxiety from earlier experiences of unreliable care, fragile or contingent self-esteem, and habitual comparison with others. These can make ordinary ambiguity feel like rejection. Causes vary significantly between individuals, and most people carry some blend of them.
Is insecurity more common in men or women?
It appears across genders, and the average differences tend to be small. What often differs is expression — many women may voice doubt or seek reassurance, while many men may channel it into withdrawal, control, or overwork. Individual history predicts insecurity better than gender does.
Can reassurance from a partner fix insecurity?
Consistent, explicit reassurance can help calm the threat-monitoring that drives insecurity, and research on risk regulation supports this. But reassurance alone rarely resolves it, because the doubt tends to return. Lasting change usually also involves building a steadier, less contingent sense of self-worth.
Why does seeking reassurance sometimes make things worse?
Reassurance can soothe briefly, but repeated questioning may leave a partner feeling distrusted, which can strain closeness and seem to confirm the original fear. This is part of why insecurity often becomes self-reinforcing. Slowing the urge to seek constant reassurance tends to help interrupt the cycle.
How does social comparison feed insecurity?
Festinger's research suggests people gauge their worth by comparing with others, and frequent upward comparison — measuring against those who seem more loved or successful — tends to erode confidence. Curated glimpses of other people's lives give this old habit a great deal to feed on, often unfairly.
Can insecurity be reduced over time?
For many people, yes, though it takes patience. Consistent safety in relationships, noticing the gap between feelings and facts, and developing worth that does not hinge on approval or comparison all tend to help. Where insecurity is severe or rooted in trauma, working with a therapist can make a real difference.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
- Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Collins, N. L. (2006). Optimizing assurance: The risk regulation system in relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 132(5), 641–666.
- Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.