How Men Can Build Deeper Friendships — What Research Shows
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Large-scale survey work by McPherson, Smith-Lovin and Brashears (2006) documented a notable decline in Americans' close confidants over recent decades, with a meaningful share of people reporting no one to discuss important matters with. Other research has consistently found that men, on average, tend to report fewer intimate friendships than women — a pattern often traced to how boys and men are socialized around emotional expression rather than to any lack of need for closeness.
Connection is not a luxury. Holt-Lunstad, Smith and Layton (2010) conducted a meta-analysis linking stronger social relationships to substantially lower mortality risk — an effect comparable in size to well-known health factors. Baumeister and Leary (1995) frame this with the 'need to belong': the drive to form close bonds appears to be a fundamental human need, not a gendered one.
What differs more is the style. Men's friendships often center on doing things side by side — sports, work, projects, shared interests — sometimes called 'shoulder-to-shoulder' connection. This is a genuine and valuable form of intimacy, not a lesser one. The research suggests depth tends to increase when that companionship is paired with at least some willingness to be known beyond the activity.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Many men are socialized from early on to equate vulnerability with weakness and to keep struggles private. That conditioning can make disclosure feel risky even with people they trust, so friendships stay warm but surface-level. The result is often not an absence of feeling but a learned reluctance to voice it — closeness that has room to deepen if the risk feels safe enough to take.
Adult life also removes the structures that once made friendship effortless. School, sports teams, and shared neighborhoods naturally created repeated, low-stakes contact — and mere repeated exposure is one of the most reliable drivers of liking. Without those structures, men have to choose connection deliberately, which is harder and easier to postpone.
Because, as Baumeister and Leary (1995) describe, belonging is a basic need, the cost of letting friendships thin out is real even when it is not obvious day to day. Loneliness can build quietly, and many men underestimate how much steady, honest companionship supports their mood and resilience.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
Two men who have golfed together for years may know little about each other's inner lives — until one mentions a hard time and the other, relieved, opens up too. The shared activity built the trust; a small moment of honesty turned it into something deeper.
A man who moves to a new city often finds adult friendship surprisingly hard, not because people are unfriendly but because the repeated, casual contact that builds bonds no longer happens automatically. Joining a recurring activity tends to work better than waiting to 'click' with someone.
Someone going through a divorce or job loss may realize he has no one he feels comfortable confiding in. That gap is common and not a character flaw — but reaching out, even awkwardly, to one trusted person frequently matters more than he expects.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that men simply do not want or need close friendships. The evidence points the other way: the need to belong appears universal, and many men feel the absence keenly. What often gets in the way is a learned discomfort with vulnerability, not a lack of desire for connection.
Another mistake is assuming activity-based friendship is shallow. Shoulder-to-shoulder bonding is a real and durable form of closeness. The aim is not to abandon it for constant heart-to-hearts, but to allow some honesty to flow alongside the shared doing.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Men who maintain close friendships often place less of their entire emotional weight on a romantic partner, which tends to ease pressure on that relationship. Friendship and partnership support each other rather than competing.
Practically, depth tends to grow through repeated contact plus small acts of openness: showing up regularly, naming a feeling now and then, and reciprocating when a friend opens up. Initiating is the part many men avoid, yet it is usually what turns acquaintances into real friends.
Where it varies
The nuance
These are averages with heavy overlap. Plenty of men have rich, disclosing friendships, and plenty of women rely mainly on shared activity. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) is a reminder that men and women are far more alike than different on most psychological measures, including the need for connection.
Culture, personality, and life stage all shape the picture. An introvert may want fewer but deeper friendships; some cultures encourage male emotional expression more than others. There is no single right number or style of friendship — only what genuinely supports a given person.
Questions people ask about this
Do men really have fewer close friends than women?
On average, research tends to find men report fewer intimate confidants than women, a pattern often linked to socialization rather than a smaller need for closeness. The difference is an average with wide overlap, and many men have deep friendships while many women rely on shared activity.
Why is it harder to make friends as an adult?
Adult life removes the structures — school, teams, shared neighborhoods — that once created repeated, casual contact, which is one of the strongest drivers of liking. Without them, friendship has to be chosen deliberately. This is common and not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Is activity-based friendship less meaningful?
Not at all. Shoulder-to-shoulder bonding through shared interests is a genuine, durable form of closeness. Research suggests depth tends to grow when that foundation is paired with some honest openness, but the activity itself builds real trust and connection on its own.
How can a man build deeper friendships?
Research points to two ingredients: repeated, reliable contact and small acts of openness. Showing up consistently, occasionally naming what you feel, and reciprocating when a friend confides tend to deepen bonds. Initiating is the step many men skip, yet it usually matters most.
Does loneliness actually affect health?
The evidence suggests it can. A meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad and colleagues (2010) linked stronger social relationships to substantially lower mortality risk, comparable to well-known health factors. Connection appears to be a meaningful contributor to well-being, not just a pleasant extra.
Why does opening up feel so risky for many men?
Many men are socialized to associate vulnerability with weakness and to keep struggles private, so disclosure can feel risky even with trusted friends. This is a learned reluctance, not an absence of feeling, and it tends to ease when openness is met with acceptance rather than judgment.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., & Brashears, M. E. (2006). Social isolation in America. American Sociological Review, 71(3), 353–375.
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.