Why We Fear Being Single — And What It Can Cost Us
The evidence
What the research actually shows
The most direct evidence comes from Spielmann and colleagues (2013), whose research on fear of being single found that people who more strongly feared singlehood were more likely to settle for less in their romantic lives — expressing greater interest in unresponsive or less attractive potential partners and being more reluctant to leave unsatisfying relationships. Notably, this fear predicted settling for both women and men, suggesting it is a broadly human vulnerability rather than a gendered one.
The fear is anchored in something universal. Baumeister and Leary's (1995) 'need to belong' framework describes the desire for close, stable bonds as a fundamental human motivation with deep evolutionary roots. Against that backdrop, some discomfort with the prospect of being alone is entirely normal; fear of being single is that ordinary need amplified into anxiety that can override good judgment about a specific relationship.
Attachment patterns shape how intense the fear becomes. Mikulincer and Shaver's (2007) work on adult attachment describes how people higher in attachment anxiety tend to fear abandonment and rejection more acutely and may cling to relationships to avoid being alone, while those with more secure attachment can generally tolerate singlehood with less distress. Early experiences and working models of relationships thus influence how threatening being single feels.
The fear tends to say more about our relationship to aloneness than about any particular partner.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Because belonging is a basic human need, the possibility of being without a partner can register as a genuine threat rather than a neutral state. For many people the fear is less about missing a specific person and more about facing aloneness itself, along with the meanings attached to it — worth, desirability, and whether one will end up connected at all.
Social and cultural messages amplify it. Being partnered is often treated as a marker of success, normalcy, or maturity, while singlehood can be framed as a lack or a failure. Absorbing those messages can make being single feel not just lonely but shameful, which raises the stakes and can push people toward staying coupled at almost any cost.
Attachment anxiety turns up the volume further. For someone whose early experiences taught them that closeness is precarious, the prospect of being alone can activate deep fears of abandonment. That heightened alarm can make even an unsatisfying relationship feel safer than the perceived danger of being on one's own, which is part of why the fear can override clear judgment.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A person stays in a relationship that leaves them consistently unhappy, not because they believe it is right but because the thought of being single feels worse. Spielmann's research suggests this reluctance to leave is one of the clearest ways fear of being single shows up — the fear anchors people in place.
Someone re-enters the dating pool and finds themselves quickly interested in a partner who is unresponsive or clearly a poor match, lowering their standards to secure a connection. When the underlying pull is to simply not be alone, the specific person can matter less than the fact of being partnered.
A recently single person may feel an urgent drive to couple up again as soon as possible, treating time alone as something to be escaped rather than lived. That urgency, more than any particular candidate, can lead to choices they later question.
Someone stays in a relationship where a partner is chronically unresponsive, quietly telling themselves it is 'good enough' — the kind of settling for a less responsive partner that Spielmann's research links directly to a stronger fear of being single.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that wanting a relationship and fearing singlehood are the same thing. Genuinely wanting connection is healthy; fear of being single is different in that it is driven by dread of the alternative, and research links it specifically to settling for less. Wanting a partner from a place of security tends to lead to better choices than seeking one from fear.
People also tend to assume this is mainly a women's issue. Spielmann's findings show the fear predicts settling for men and women alike. Framing it as a female trait both misreads the research and overlooks how many men quietly organize their choices around not wanting to be alone.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Choosing or staying in a relationship primarily to avoid being single tends to undermine the relationship itself, because the bond is built on avoiding a fear rather than on genuine fit and responsiveness. Being able to tolerate singlehood, even value it, generally strengthens the ability to choose partners well and to leave when a relationship is not working.
Building comfort with one's own company — through friendships, interests, and a sense of self that does not depend on being partnered — tends to reduce the fear's grip. People who feel they can be okay alone are usually freer to pursue relationships that genuinely add to their lives rather than ones that merely stave off aloneness.
At a glance: average tendencies
Broad averages with heavy overlap — many people differ from their group's tendency. This is a map, not a measurement of any one person.
| Aspect | ● Men (avg.) | ● Women (avg.) |
|---|---|---|
| Does the fear predict settling? | Yes, on average | Yes, on average |
| How it tends to be voiced | Often unspoken; framed as 'keeping things practical' | More often named openly as fear of ending up alone |
| Cultural pressure to be partnered | Present, sometimes tied to status or normalcy | Present, sometimes tied to timelines and expectations |
| What eases the grip | A full life and self-worth apart from a partner | A full life and self-worth apart from a partner |
Where it varies
The nuance
Fear of being single sits on a spectrum, and a mild version is normal given how central belonging is to human life. The concern is the stronger, choice-distorting version that research links to settling. Wanting companionship is not a problem; letting the fear of its absence quietly run one's decisions is where the cost tends to appear.
These patterns are not tied to one gender. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) supports reading this as a shared human tendency, consistent with Spielmann's finding that the fear predicts settling for both sexes. How intensely any individual feels it depends far more on attachment style, past experience, and circumstance than on whether they are a man or a woman.
Key takeaways
- A mild fear of being single is normal; belonging is a fundamental human need.
- The stronger, choice-distorting version predicts settling — staying with unresponsive partners and lowering standards.
- It is not a women's issue: the fear predicts settling for men and women alike.
- Wanting connection from security differs from seeking a partner mainly to escape being alone, and leads to better choices.
- Building comfort with your own company — friendships, interests, a self that is not contingent on being partnered — loosens the fear's grip.
- How intensely anyone feels it depends far more on attachment style and history than on gender.
Questions people ask about this
Is it normal to fear being single?
Some discomfort with being alone is normal, given how central belonging is to human wellbeing. Baumeister and Leary describe the need to belong as a fundamental motivation. The concern is when the fear becomes strong enough to distort choices, which research links to settling for less in relationships.
Does fearing singlehood really make people settle for less?
Spielmann and colleagues' research found that a stronger fear of being single predicted greater willingness to settle — more interest in unresponsive or less suitable partners and more reluctance to leave unhappy relationships. The pattern held for both women and men, suggesting it is a broadly human vulnerability rather than a gendered one.
Why does being single feel so threatening to some people?
For many, the fear is less about a specific person and more about aloneness itself and its perceived meanings, such as worth or desirability. Cultural messages that treat being partnered as success can intensify it, and higher attachment anxiety, often rooted in early experience, tends to sharpen the dread.
Is fear of being single more common in women?
Research suggests it is not a women's issue specifically. Spielmann's findings show the fear predicts settling for both sexes. Framing it as mainly female both misreads the evidence and overlooks how many men quietly organize their relationship choices around not wanting to be alone.
How does fear of being single differ from simply wanting a relationship?
Wanting connection is healthy and points toward a relationship you desire. Fear of being single is driven more by dread of the alternative and is linked to settling for less. Seeking a partner from security tends to lead to better choices than seeking one mainly to escape being alone.
How can someone become less afraid of being single?
Building a sense of self and a full life that does not depend on being partnered — through friendships, interests, and self-worth apart from a relationship — tends to ease the fear. Learning to tolerate and even value time alone generally frees people to choose partners who genuinely fit rather than settling.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073.
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.