How to Get Over Someone — What Psychology Says About Recovery
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Attachment theory (Hazan and Shaver, 1987) frames romantic bonds as genuine attachments, similar in structure to the bond between child and caregiver. When such a bond breaks, the attachment system tends to protest and search for the lost figure, which is part of why longing, preoccupation, and difficulty letting go are so common early on. Getting over someone essentially involves the slow work of reorganizing that attachment so the person is no longer your primary source of security.
David Sbarra and Robert Emery's (2005) research on relationship dissolution tracked emotional recovery after breakups and found that distress, though real, generally eased over time, with love and sadness following distinct trajectories. Their work and related studies suggest that recovery is often more gradual than dramatic and that people frequently underestimate their own capacity to bounce back.
Tiffany Field's (2017) work on breakup distress documents how separations can produce symptoms resembling grief and even physical withdrawal — intrusive thoughts, sleep disruption, low mood — particularly soon after the split. This helps explain why staying in contact or repeatedly checking on an ex can prolong the pain: it periodically reactivates the attachment and interrupts the reorganization that time and distance allow.
The distress is largely the attachment system responding to loss, not a verdict on compatibility.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Romantic attachment recruits brain systems linked to reward and motivation, so losing a partner can feel less like a preference thwarted and more like a need deprived. The pull to reconnect, the intrusive thoughts, and the ache are the attachment system doing what it evolved to do — protesting a separation and trying to restore the bond — which is why willpower alone rarely switches the feeling off.
Continued contact tends to keep the wound open. Each text, social-media check, or meetup can briefly soothe the longing while resetting the clock on recovery, because it reactivates the very bond that needs to loosen. This is much of the logic behind reduced or no contact: it removes the repeated reactivation and gives the attachment system room to update.
Much of the difficulty also comes from disrupted identity and routine. A relationship often becomes woven into how we see ourselves and structure our days, so a breakup can leave a person feeling not only sad but disoriented — unsure who they are without the other person. Rebuilding a distinct sense of self is a large part of what recovery involves.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
In the first weeks after a breakup, someone may find themselves compulsively re-reading old messages or checking an ex's activity online. Each check can bring a flicker of connection followed by a fresh drop, which tends to prolong the distress — one reason many people find that stepping back from contact, though painful at first, eventually helps.
A person may be surprised to feel physical symptoms — poor sleep, low appetite, a heavy chest — after a split. Understanding that breakups can produce grief-like and withdrawal-like reactions can be reassuring: the intensity is a normal feature of losing an attachment, not a sign that the relationship must be rekindled.
Reinvesting in friendships, routines, and interests that belong to oneself alone often accelerates recovery. As a person rebuilds a life and identity that do not center on the ex, the relationship gradually loses its role as the main source of security, and the acute longing tends to fade.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that getting over someone should be quick, or that lingering pain means the relationship was 'meant to be.' The distress is largely the attachment system responding to loss, not a verdict on compatibility. Strong feelings can persist even about a relationship that was genuinely not working, and their presence is not a reason to return.
People also overestimate how long recovery will take and underestimate their resilience. Research on dissolution suggests most people recover more fully and sooner than they predict. That said, if grief becomes severe or lasting and impairs daily functioning, it is reasonable and wise to seek support.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Rushing into a new relationship to escape the pain can complicate healing if it mainly serves to avoid the reorganization that grief requires. Rebound connections are not inherently harmful, but they tend to help most when a person has had some space to process the loss rather than using a new partner to skip it.
How someone recovers can also inform future relationships. Noticing the patterns that intensified the pain — over-checking, tying all of one's identity to a partner, neglecting one's own support network — can guide healthier bonds later, where connection coexists with a stable, independent sense of self.
Where it varies
The nuance
There is no fixed timeline for getting over someone; it varies widely with the length and depth of the relationship, attachment style, circumstances, and support. Averages from research describe groups, not any single person, and comparing your pace to others' is rarely helpful.
These patterns are broadly human rather than gendered. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) suggests men and women are far more alike than different in how they experience loss; differences in how breakup distress is expressed often reflect what people feel free to show more than a gap in what they feel. Attachment style tends to predict recovery better than gender does.
Key takeaways
- A breakup can feel like withdrawal because romantic bonds recruit brain systems tied to reward and pain — the ache is your attachment system protesting a loss.
- Continued contact and over-checking tend to reactivate the bond and reset recovery, which is much of the logic behind reduced or no contact.
- Lingering strong feelings reflect attachment adjusting to loss, not proof the relationship should resume.
- Rebuilding routines, friendships, and a sense of self apart from the ex is a large part of what actually helps.
- There is no fixed timeline; most people recover more fully and sooner than they expect, and self-compassion beats self-criticism.
- If grief becomes severe, lasting, or impairs daily functioning, seeking support is wise.
Questions people ask about this
Why does a breakup hurt so much?
Romantic bonds are genuine attachments, and losing one activates brain systems tied to reward and pain, which can make a breakup feel like withdrawal. The longing and intrusive thoughts are the attachment system protesting a separation. This is a normal response to losing a bond, not a sign the relationship must resume.
Does no contact actually help you get over someone?
For many people, reducing or cutting contact helps because each interaction can reactivate the attachment and reset recovery. Field's research suggests ongoing contact tends to prolong distress. No contact is not a punishment but a way to give the attachment system space to reorganize. Individual situations vary.
How long does it take to get over someone?
There is no fixed timeline; it depends on the relationship's depth, attachment style, support, and circumstances. Research on dissolution suggests distress generally eases over time and that people often recover sooner than they expect. Comparing your pace to others' is rarely helpful, and healing tends to be gradual.
Is it normal to still have strong feelings for an ex?
Yes. Lingering feelings largely reflect the attachment system adjusting to loss, not a verdict that the relationship should continue. Strong emotions can persist even about a relationship that was not working. Their presence is a normal part of reorganization rather than a reliable signal to reunite.
What actually helps you move on?
Research and clinical practice point to reducing contact, leaning on friends and support, rebuilding routines and a sense of self apart from the ex, and allowing time. Rebuilding an independent identity tends to help the acute longing fade. Self-compassion during the process generally serves people better than self-criticism.
Should I start dating again right away to move on?
It depends. Rebound relationships are not inherently harmful, but jumping in mainly to escape the pain can delay the processing that grief requires. Many people heal more fully with some space first. If a new connection genuinely appeals rather than merely distracts, it can be part of moving forward.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232.
- Field, T. (2017). Romantic breakup distress, betrayal and heartbreak: A review. International Journal of Behavioral Research & Psychology, 5(2), 217–225.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.