How Women Can Overcome Perfectionism — From Flawless to Good Enough
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Perfectionism is not one thing. Hewitt and Flett (1991) identified three dimensions: self-oriented (holding yourself to punishing standards), other-oriented (demanding perfection from others), and socially prescribed (believing others expect you to be perfect). In their research and much that followed, socially prescribed perfectionism — the sense that acceptance depends on flawlessness — is the form most consistently tied to anxiety, depression, and burnout. Frost and colleagues (1990) mapped related features such as excessive concern over mistakes and doubts about actions.
The distinction that matters most is between healthy striving and self-critical perfectionism. High personal standards, on their own, can be adaptive and even satisfying. The trouble comes when standards fuse with self-worth, so that any shortfall feels like proof of inadequacy. Research on this 'evaluative concerns' strand of perfectionism finds it predicts distress and, ironically, can undermine performance through procrastination and avoidance rather than driving achievement.
There is also a generational trend. Curran and Hill's meta-analysis (2019), pooling data from the late 1980s to 2016, found that perfectionism — especially the socially prescribed kind — has risen across successive cohorts of young people. They link the increase to more competitive, comparison-saturated environments. This reframes perfectionism as partly a cultural pressure of the times, not simply an individual character flaw, which matters for how compassionately we treat it.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Socialization does some of the work. Many women absorb early messages to be the 'good girl' — pleasing, agreeable, and impressive — and later the 'superwoman' expected to excel at work, home, and appearance simultaneously. When approval feels contingent on getting everything right, mistakes stop being ordinary and start feeling dangerous, which is fertile ground for socially prescribed perfectionism.
Underneath, worth has often become conditional. Crocker and Wolfe's contingencies-of-self-worth model (2001) describes how self-esteem staked on external markers — approval, achievement, appearance — rises and falls with each outcome. If being good enough depends on flawless performance, the mind treats every task as a referendum on one's value, and the stakes of any imperfection balloon.
Perfectionism also serves a function: it can be a way to manage anxiety and to feel in control of how one is seen. Doing everything perfectly promises safety from criticism and rejection. The relief is real in the short term, which is exactly why the pattern persists even as the long-term costs — exhaustion, procrastination, and chronic self-criticism — mount.
Perfectionism often masquerades as high standards, but its real engine is the fear that a single mistake would say something about your worth.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
She rewrites a simple email a dozen times, hunting for a tone that can't be faulted, and ends up sending it an hour late. Or she puts off starting a project at all, because if she can't do it perfectly, beginning feels unbearable. Perfectionism here does not produce excellence; it produces paralysis and delay.
Another runs herself ragged as the 'superwoman' — flawless at work, at home, and socially — while quietly unable to accept help or tolerate a merely good result. The standard is not just high; it is total, and it leaves no room to be a person who sometimes drops things or does them at eighty percent.
A new parent discovers, with relief, the wisdom in Winnicott's 'good enough' idea: that reliably good-enough care actually supports healthy development better than an impossible flawlessness. Extending that same 'good enough' permission to other parts of life — work, home, self — is often where the grip of perfectionism first loosens.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
The core misconception is that perfectionism equals high achievement or strong conscientiousness. In practice, self-critical perfectionism often undermines performance through procrastination, avoidance, and burnout, and it tracks with distress rather than success. Healthy striving and perfectionism can look similar from outside but run on very different engines — curiosity versus fear.
The second error is believing self-compassion will make you complacent or lazy. Kristin Neff's research (2003) suggests the opposite: treating yourself with the kindness you'd offer a friend tends to support motivation and resilience, because setbacks stop feeling catastrophic. It is harsh self-criticism, not self-kindness, that most reliably fuels the avoidance perfectionists fear.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Perfectionism rarely stays contained. Other-oriented perfectionism can strain a relationship by holding a partner to impossible standards, while socially prescribed perfectionism can drive people-pleasing and difficulty ever feeling that one has done enough. Naming the pattern, rather than acting it out, tends to make it easier for both partners to respond with patience instead of friction.
Softening perfectionism often means practicing exactly what it resists: accepting help, tolerating a task done imperfectly or differently, and letting a partner contribute without redoing their work. Each small act of letting good enough be enough tends to reduce the load on the perfectionist and open more room for genuine closeness rather than performance.
Two ways of aiming high
A side-by-side contrast to make the distinction concrete — patterns and tendencies, not rigid rules.
| Aspect | Healthy striving | Self-critical perfectionism |
|---|---|---|
| What drives it | Growth, curiosity, and genuine interest | Fear of judgment and of falling short |
| The standard itself | High but flexible | Rigid and all-or-nothing |
| After a mistake | Treated as feedback to learn from | Treated as proof of inadequacy |
| Sense of worth | Stable, not riding on the outcome | Contingent on flawless performance |
Where it varies
The nuance
Not all perfectionism is harmful, and the healthy-striving distinction matters. Some high standards energize and satisfy; the problem is specifically the self-critical, worth-contingent form. These are tendencies with wide individual variation, and Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) is a reminder that men experience perfectionism too, often expressed and permitted differently.
Because the rise in perfectionism is partly cultural (Curran and Hill, 2019), it deserves compassion rather than blame — it is not a personal failing to feel pressure that the whole environment is applying. When perfectionism becomes rigid enough to impair daily functioning, mood, or relationships, it can be worth exploring with a professional, who can help distinguish a demanding habit from something that needs more support.
Key takeaways
- Perfectionism isn't high standards; it's aiming high out of fear of judgment, with worth riding on being flawless.
- Research separates healthy striving from a self-critical perfectionism linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
- Socially prescribed perfectionism — feeling others demand perfection — is the form most tied to distress, and it's rising (Curran & Hill).
- Self-compassion tends to raise follow-through, not lower standards, by removing the self-attack that fuels avoidance (Neff).
- A 'good enough' standard (Winnicott) is often healthier and more effective than chasing flawless — and men experience perfectionism too.
Questions people ask about this
Is perfectionism the same as having high standards?
Not quite. Healthy striving means high but flexible standards you can fall short of without your worth collapsing. Perfectionism, in the self-critical sense, fuses standards with self-worth so that any mistake feels like proof of inadequacy. The first tends to energize; the second tends to fuel anxiety and avoidance.
What are the main types of perfectionism?
Hewitt and Flett (1991) describe three: self-oriented (demanding perfection of yourself), other-oriented (demanding it of others), and socially prescribed (believing others require you to be perfect). The socially prescribed form is the one most consistently linked in research to anxiety and depression.
Why does perfectionism seem more common among women?
Some of it likely reflects socialization — 'good-girl' and 'superwoman' messages that tie acceptance to getting everything right. But the pattern is not exclusive to women; men experience it too, often expressed differently. It is best understood as a widely shared pressure shaped by environment, not a female trait.
Does self-compassion mean lowering my standards?
No. Neff's research (2003) suggests self-compassion supports motivation and follow-through rather than lowering the bar, because it removes the harsh self-attack that drives avoidance. You can keep high standards while dropping the punishment you inflict for missing them — that combination tends to work better, not worse.
How can someone start letting go of perfectionism?
Common approaches include deliberately doing something at 'good enough' and noticing the sky doesn't fall, separating your worth from any single outcome, and speaking to yourself as you would to a friend who erred. Small experiments in tolerating imperfection tend to loosen the grip more than trying to think your way calm.
Is perfectionism actually rising?
Evidence suggests so. Curran and Hill's meta-analysis (2019) found perfectionism — especially the socially prescribed form — has increased across generations of young people since the late 1980s, which they link to more competitive, comparison-heavy environments. That makes it partly a cultural pressure, not just an individual quirk.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470.
- Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14(5), 449–468.
- Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Winnicott, D. W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 34, 89–97.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.