How Women Can Build Assertiveness: A Research-Based Guide
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Dana Crowley Jack's work on self-silencing (1991) describes a learned tendency, more common among women on average, to suppress one's own thoughts and needs to preserve relationships and avoid conflict. Jack linked chronic self-silencing to depressive symptoms, suggesting that the cost of habitually deferring is not only unmet needs but lower well-being. Assertiveness, in this frame, is partly the undoing of an over-practiced silence.
Self-determination theory (Deci and Ryan, 2000) identifies autonomy, acting in line with one's own values and preferences, as a basic psychological need that supports motivation and health. When someone consistently overrides their own preferences to keep the peace, autonomy is thwarted, which research links to lower vitality. Assertive expression tends to restore a sense of agency.
It is worth noting that the average gap here is modest and heavily shaped by context and socialization rather than fixed nature. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) reminds us that women and men overlap far more than they differ on most traits, including assertiveness; plenty of women are highly assertive and plenty of men struggle to speak up.
Assertiveness is closer to honesty than to dominance. The goal is not to win but to be known.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Many girls are socialized to prioritize harmony, niceness, and others' comfort, and may be praised for accommodation and discouraged from directness. Over years, deferring can become automatic, so that speaking plainly feels not just unfamiliar but vaguely wrong, as though a clear 'no' were a moral failing rather than a normal boundary.
Assertiveness is often confused with aggression, and the fear of being seen as 'difficult,' 'bossy,' or unlikable can keep someone quiet. Research suggests women sometimes face real social penalties for direct behavior that men do not, which makes the hesitation understandable rather than irrational, though the long-term cost of silence is usually higher.
Self-criticism compounds the problem. Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion (2003) suggests that people who treat themselves harshly often struggle to advocate for their own needs, because doing so feels undeserved. Building a kinder internal stance tends to make assertive action feel more legitimate.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A woman who routinely takes on extra tasks at work because saying no feels rude may find that a calm, specific 'I can't take that on this week, but I could next month' is received far better than she feared, and that her dread was mostly anticipatory.
In a relationship, replacing hints and hoping-to-be-noticed with a direct statement, 'I need us to split the planning this weekend', often reduces resentment more effectively than waiting for a partner to read the signals.
Someone practicing assertiveness might start small: voicing a genuine preference about where to eat, returning an incorrect order, or naming a mild disagreement out loud. These low-stakes reps tend to build the tolerance for discomfort that bigger conversations require.
In a meeting, a woman who usually softens every point with 'maybe this is silly, but...' tries stating her recommendation plainly and stopping, no over-explaining, no apology. The pause feels excruciating at first, but the idea lands with more weight, and the discomfort shrinks each time she does it.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that assertiveness means becoming forceful, blunt, or combative. Research frames it differently: assertiveness sits between passivity and aggression, expressing one's own needs clearly while still respecting the other person. It is closer to honesty than to dominance.
Another error is treating the discomfort of speaking up as a sign that something is wrong. For someone who has long deferred, anxiety and guilt often accompany even healthy boundaries; the feeling tends to fade with practice rather than signaling a mistake.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Counterintuitively, assertiveness usually strengthens relationships rather than threatening them. When needs are stated directly, partners and friends get accurate information instead of guesswork, and resentment that quietly erodes closeness has less room to build. Clear limits also tend to invite more respect over time.
It can help to pair directness with warmth (soft start-ups, 'I' statements, and acknowledgment of the other person's view) so that a boundary reads as honesty rather than attack. The goal is not to win but to be known.
Passive vs. assertive vs. aggressive
Broad averages with heavy overlap. Many people differ from their group's tendency. This is a map, not a measurement of any one person.
| Aspect | ● Men (avg.) | ● Women (avg.) |
|---|---|---|
| Passive | Needs go unspoken; hopes to be noticed | Needs go unspoken; hopes to be noticed |
| Assertive | States needs clearly and respects the other | States needs clearly and respects the other |
| Aggressive | Pursues goals at the other's expense | Pursues goals at the other's expense |
| Common tilt | Somewhat likelier to lean direct or forceful | Somewhat likelier to lean toward accommodation |
Where it varies
The nuance
These patterns describe averages shaped heavily by culture and upbringing, not anything fixed about women. Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) shows the sexes overlap far more than they differ on assertiveness and most other traits, and the distributions blur into each other.
Context matters enormously. The same person may be highly assertive at work and quiet at home, or vice versa. Attachment history, the safety of a given relationship, and prior experiences of being penalized for speaking all shape how easy assertiveness feels in the moment.
Key takeaways
- Assertiveness sits between passivity and aggression, clear about your needs, respectful of others.
- For many women, the work is undoing over-practiced silence, not manufacturing aggression.
- Chronic self-silencing carries a real cost: unmet needs and lower well-being.
- The guilt and anxiety of speaking up are usually anticipatory and fade with practice.
- Start with low-stakes reps and pair directness with warmth, 'I' statements, soft start-ups.
- Any average gap is modest and shaped by socialization; assertiveness varies hugely by person and context.
Questions people ask about this
What is the difference between assertiveness and aggression?
Research tends to place assertiveness between passivity and aggression. Assertiveness states your needs and limits clearly while respecting the other person; aggression pursues your goals at their expense. The distinction is in respect and tone, not in how directly you speak.
Why do some women find it harder to be assertive?
Many girls are socialized toward accommodation and may face social penalties for directness that men do not. Self-silencing can become an automatic habit. The gap is an average shaped by context, not a fixed trait, and many women are highly assertive.
Does being assertive make people dislike you?
Sometimes there is a short-term cost, but research on self-silencing suggests chronic deference carries a higher long-term price, including lower well-being. Pairing directness with warmth and respect usually preserves relationships, and many people come to respect clear boundaries over time.
How can someone start building assertiveness?
Many find it helps to start with low-stakes practice: voicing a small preference, naming a mild disagreement, or saying a simple no. Using 'I' statements and tolerating the initial discomfort tends to build the skill gradually, since the anxiety usually fades with repetition.
Why do I feel guilty when I set a boundary?
For people who have long prioritized others, guilt often accompanies even healthy boundaries because directness feels unfamiliar or 'selfish.' Research on self-silencing suggests this is a learned response. The guilt tends to be anticipatory and usually softens as assertive behavior becomes more practiced.
Can assertiveness actually improve relationships?
Often, yes. Stating needs directly gives partners accurate information instead of leaving them to guess, and it reduces the slow buildup of resentment. Clear, respectful boundaries tend to invite more respect rather than less, though results vary between individuals and relationships.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Jack, D. C. (1991). Silencing the Self: Women and Depression. Harvard University Press.
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Created and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.