How Men Think About Friendship — Bonding Side by Side
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Communication researcher Paul Wright described a broad tendency for men's friendships to be 'side by side' — organized around shared activities like sport, work, or a project — while women's friendships lean more 'face to face,' organized around talk and mutual disclosure. The distinction is a matter of average emphasis, not a hard rule, and both styles produce real intimacy. Men often report feeling closest to a friend after doing something together rather than after a long conversation about feelings.
Surveys of adult friendship consistently find that men, on average, report fewer close confidants than women, and that the number tends to shrink across adulthood as work and family crowd out unstructured time. Data widely reported by the Survey Center on American Life has documented a notable decline in the share of men who say they have several close friends compared with a few decades earlier, alongside a rise in men who report having no close friends at all. These figures are self-reported and vary by how 'close friend' is defined, but the direction is consistent across sources.
Research on self-disclosure (building on work by Sidney Jourard and later scholars) finds that men tend to disclose less personal or emotional information to same-sex friends than women do, and are more likely to reserve their deepest disclosures for a romantic partner. This helps explain why male friendships can feel warm and durable yet remain light on explicit emotional talk — the bond is genuine, but it is often expressed through presence, humor, and reliability rather than confession.
For many men the care is real; it simply lives in showing up rather than in words.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Socialization plays a large role. Many boys learn early that open vulnerability with other boys can invite teasing or loss of status, so closeness gets expressed sideways — through banter, rough-and-tumble play, and shared pursuits rather than direct emotional talk. Those habits tend to carry into adulthood, where 'hanging out and doing something' feels natural and 'let's talk about how I'm really doing' can feel exposing.
Structural factors compound the pattern. Adult men's friendships often form through shared contexts — teams, jobs, hobbies — and when that context disappears, the friendship can quietly fade because there is no built-in reason to keep meeting. Women, on average, are somewhat more likely to maintain friendships through regular check-ins independent of a shared activity, which can make their networks more resilient to life changes.
There is also a concentration effect. Because many men route their deepest emotional intimacy to a partner, the partner can become the primary or only confidant. That can strengthen the romantic bond but leaves a man's support system thin if the relationship ends or strains — one reason friendship matters as much for men as it does for anyone.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
Two men who have been friends for twenty years might see each other mostly to watch a game, fix a car, or play a weekly round of golf, and rarely discuss anything obviously personal — yet each would drop everything if the other were in trouble. The care is real; it simply lives in showing up rather than in words.
A man who moves cities for work may find that his old friendships thin out not from any falling-out but because the shared context is gone. Without a standing activity or a regular reason to meet, contact drifts to occasional messages, and he may not realize how isolated he has become until a hard week arrives with no one nearby to call.
When a man does open up to a friend, it often happens obliquely — during a long drive, on a fishing trip, or late at night after an activity — rather than in a planned heart-to-heart. The shoulder-to-shoulder setting seems to make disclosure feel safer, because neither person has to hold sustained eye contact while saying something hard.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that men who don't talk about feelings with friends don't have deep friendships. Research suggests the intimacy is often there but is signaled differently — through loyalty, shared history, and reliable presence rather than emotional disclosure. Measuring male friendship only by how much men talk about their feelings undercounts what is actually a strong bond.
The opposite error is to romanticize the 'strong silent' style as complete. The loneliness data suggest that many men would benefit from more disclosing, supportive friendships, not fewer — and that the activity-based style, while genuine, can leave men without an outlet when a partner is unavailable or a crisis hits. Valuing friendship and having enough of it are not the same thing.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
For a partner, understanding this pattern can defuse a common worry: a man with few obviously 'deep' friendships is not necessarily emotionally stunted, and his sideways style of bonding is valid. At the same time, encouraging a man to keep and invest in his own friendships is good for the relationship — it spreads his emotional support beyond a single person and reduces the pressure on the partnership to meet every relational need.
For men, the practical takeaway is that friendship, like fitness, tends to respond to structure. Building closeness around a recurring activity plays to a familiar strength, and adding small doses of honesty — a real answer to 'how are you?' now and then — can deepen those bonds without demanding a personality transplant. Investing here is not a luxury; it is a buffer against the isolation the data describe.
Friendship styles: average tendencies
Broad averages with heavy overlap — many people differ from their group's tendency. This is a map, not a measurement of any one person.
| Aspect | ● Men (avg.) | ● Women (avg.) |
|---|---|---|
| How closeness forms | Often through shared activity and doing things together | Often through conversation and mutual disclosure |
| Emotional talk with friends | Tends to be lighter, more oblique | Tends to be more direct and frequent |
| Where deepest disclosure goes | Frequently reserved for a romantic partner | More often spread across close friends too |
| Resilience to life changes | Can fade when a shared context disappears | Often maintained through regular check-ins |
Where it varies
The nuance
These are averages with enormous overlap. Plenty of men have richly disclosing, emotionally open friendships, and plenty of women bond primarily through shared activity. Culture matters too: norms around male closeness differ widely across communities and generations, and younger cohorts appear somewhat more comfortable with open male friendship than older ones.
The evidence on friendship trends is mostly survey-based and self-reported, so exact numbers should be read as indicative rather than precise. What is robust is the pattern — men tend toward activity-based bonding and fewer confidants on average — not any single headline statistic. Attachment style, personality, and life circumstances shape an individual's friendships more than gender alone.
Key takeaways
- Men, on average, bond shoulder-to-shoulder — around shared activity — more than face-to-face through emotional talk.
- Many men carry fewer close confidants into adulthood, and the number tends to shrink as work and family take over.
- Fewer disclosing friendships does not mean less depth; male bonds often live in loyalty, humor, and reliable presence.
- Routing all emotional intimacy to a partner can leave a man's support system thin if that relationship strains.
- Friendship responds to structure — a recurring activity plus small doses of honesty tends to deepen male bonds.
Questions people ask about this
Do men value friendship less than women?
Research suggests men value friendship deeply, but tend to express and build it differently — more around shared activity than emotional disclosure. Valuing friendship and having many disclosing friendships are separate things, and many men have the former without as much of the latter.
Why do men tend to have fewer close friends as they get older?
Adult male friendships often form through a shared context like work or sport, and when that context disappears the friendship can fade for lack of a built-in reason to meet. Time pressure from career and family also tends to crowd out the unstructured time friendships need.
What does 'shoulder-to-shoulder' friendship mean?
It describes friendships organized around doing something together — a game, a project, a hobby — rather than sitting face to face and talking. On average men lean toward this style, and it produces real intimacy expressed through presence and reliability more than conversation.
Is it a problem that a man confides mainly in his partner?
It is common and not inherently unhealthy, but it can concentrate a man's entire support system in one relationship. If that relationship strains or ends, he may be left without other outlets, which is one reason maintaining friendships matters even in a happy partnership.
How can men build deeper friendships without it feeling forced?
Structure tends to help: a recurring shared activity gives friendship a reliable home. From there, small increments of honesty — a genuine answer about how things are really going — can deepen a bond gradually, without requiring a dramatic emotional overhaul.
Are male friendships really less emotional?
On average men disclose less emotional detail to friends, but that does not mean the friendships are less emotional. The bond often runs deep and is signaled through loyalty and shared history rather than explicit talk about feelings, which can make it easy to underestimate from the outside.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Wright, P. H. (1982). Men's friendships, women's friendships and the alleged inferiority of the latter. Sex Roles, 8(1), 1–20.
- Jourard, S. M. (1971). Self-Disclosure: An Experimental Analysis of the Transparent Self. Wiley-Interscience.
- Cox, D. A. (2021). The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss. Survey Center on American Life, American Enterprise Institute.
- Bank, B. J., & Hansford, S. L. (2000). Gender and friendship: Why are men's best same-sex friendships less intimate and supportive? Personal Relationships, 7(1), 63–78.
- Reis, H. T., Senchak, M., & Solomon, B. (1985). Sex differences in the intimacy of social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 48(5), 1204–1217.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.