How Men Can Develop Empathy — A Skill, Not a Trait
The evidence
What the research actually shows
Psychologist Mark Davis (1983) helped clarify that empathy is not one thing but several. His widely used Interpersonal Reactivity Index distinguishes perspective-taking — the cognitive effort to see a situation through someone else's eyes — from empathic concern, the warm feeling of caring about another's welfare, and personal distress. This matters because the cognitive components in particular appear responsive to intention and practice, which suggests empathy is partly a skill anyone can build.
Within models of emotional intelligence, empathy is treated as a trainable ability rather than a fixed endowment. Mayer and Salovey (1997) framed emotional intelligence as a set of capacities — perceiving emotions accurately, understanding them, and using that understanding to guide behavior. In this view, reading and responding to feelings is closer to a competence that can be developed than to a talent one simply has or lacks.
The relational payoff is well documented. Reis and Shaver's (1988) intimacy model describes closeness as a cycle in which one person shares something meaningful and the other responds with understanding and care. Feeling understood is central to intimacy — which means that empathy, and the skill of responding well, is a large part of what makes people feel close and safe with each other.
The mechanism
Why this happens
If some men have had fewer chances to practice empathy, socialization is a likelier explanation than any deficit in capacity. Many boys are steered toward action, problem-solving, and emotional restraint, and away from naming feelings — their own or others'. The relevant machinery is intact; what varies is how much it has been exercised, which is precisely why it can grow with practice.
A common obstacle is the pull toward fixing. When someone shares a struggle, a helpful instinct is to offer a solution — but jumping to advice can skip the step the other person actually needs, which is to feel heard. Learning to pause that reflex, and to attune first, is often the single largest shift in becoming more empathic.
Empathy also depends on being able to notice one's own emotional state. It is hard to attune to someone else while flooded or shut down. This is why skills like recognizing one's own feelings and staying regulated under stress tend to support empathy rather than being separate from it.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A partner comes home frustrated about work. Instead of immediately proposing fixes, a man practicing empathy might ask what the day was like and simply reflect back what he hears — 'that sounds exhausting.' The shift from solving to understanding often changes how heard the other person feels.
In a disagreement, deliberately restating the other person's point before responding — 'so from where you sit, it looked like I dismissed you' — is perspective-taking in action. It slows the exchange and tends to lower defensiveness on both sides.
A father notices his child is quiet rather than misbehaving and gets curious about what might be underneath it. Choosing curiosity over correction is a small, repeatable way empathy grows through everyday practice.
A man whose friend keeps declining plans could read it as a slight, or could ask instead — 'you've seemed swamped lately, everything okay?' Trading the assumption for a genuine question is perspective-taking that often surfaces what a friend was quietly carrying.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A persistent myth is that men are simply less empathic by nature. The research is more nuanced: measured differences are modest and depend heavily on how empathy is assessed — self-report shows larger gaps than performance-based measures, suggesting that expectations and self-image play a real role. Framing empathy as something men cannot do can become self-fulfilling.
Another misconception is that empathy means agreeing, taking on someone's distress, or losing yourself in their feelings. Healthy empathy involves understanding another's experience while staying grounded in your own — it is compatible with disagreement and with keeping appropriate boundaries.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Because feeling understood is so central to intimacy, growing empathy tends to be one of the higher-leverage things a man can do for his relationships. Partners often report that being genuinely heard matters more than being helped — a small but reliable finding that reframes what many men assume support should look like.
The habits that build empathy — asking, listening, reflecting back, staying present before problem-solving — also tend to reduce conflict. When both people feel their perspective has been taken seriously, disagreements are more likely to move toward repair than escalation.
At a glance: average tendencies
Broad averages with heavy overlap — many people differ from their group's tendency. This is a map, not a measurement of any one person.
| Aspect | ● Men (avg.) | ● Women (avg.) |
|---|---|---|
| Default response to a struggle | More likely to reach first for a solution | More likely to reach first for understanding |
| Self-reported empathy | Tends to score somewhat lower | Tends to score somewhat higher |
| Performance-based empathy | Gap narrows sharply once motivated | Gap narrows sharply once motivated |
| Room to grow | Same machinery, often less rehearsed | Same machinery, often more rehearsed |
Where it varies
The nuance
Any average differences between men and women in empathy are modest and overlap heavily, and they say nothing about a given individual. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) documents that on most psychological measures the sexes are far more alike than different, and much of the apparent gap in empathy narrows once motivation and measurement are accounted for.
People also start from different places for reasons that have little to do with gender — temperament, upbringing, past relationships, and stress all shape empathic capacity. The encouraging point is that these are starting points, not ceilings; empathy is among the more developable of human skills.
Partners often report that being genuinely heard matters more than being helped — which reframes what support is supposed to look like.
Key takeaways
- Empathy is a set of skills — especially perspective-taking and attunement — that can be strengthened at any age.
- The single biggest shift for many men is pausing the urge to fix and attuning first, since people usually need to feel heard before they want advice.
- Measured gender gaps are modest and shrink on performance-based tests, suggesting self-image and motivation matter more than fixed capacity.
- Healthy empathy means understanding someone while staying grounded in yourself — it's compatible with disagreement and boundaries.
- Because feeling understood is central to intimacy, growing empathy is one of the higher-leverage things a man can do for his relationships.
- Noticing and regulating your own feelings supports empathy — it's hard to attune to others while flooded or shut down.
Questions people ask about this
Can empathy actually be learned, or are you born with it?
Both matter, but research suggests empathy has a large learnable component. Perspective-taking and emotional attunement in particular tend to strengthen with deliberate practice. Davis (1983) showed empathy is several distinct skills, and the cognitive ones especially appear responsive to intention and repetition at any age.
Are men naturally less empathic than women?
Measured differences tend to be modest and depend on how empathy is assessed — self-report shows larger gaps than performance-based tests. This suggests socialization and self-image play a real role. Framing empathy as something men cannot do risks becoming self-fulfilling rather than reflecting a fixed limit.
What is the difference between empathy and fixing a problem?
Fixing offers a solution; empathy first offers understanding. When someone shares a struggle, jumping to advice can skip the step they need most — to feel heard. Learning to attune before problem-solving is often the single biggest shift in becoming more empathic, though solutions still have their place.
How can a man start becoming more empathic day to day?
Common starting points include asking open questions, reflecting back what you hear before responding, and pausing the urge to fix. Restating another person's point in a disagreement is perspective-taking in action. Because empathy is a skill, small repeated practices tend to compound over time.
Does being more empathic mean always agreeing or absorbing others' stress?
No. Healthy empathy means understanding someone's experience while staying grounded in your own. It is fully compatible with disagreement and with keeping boundaries. Losing yourself in another's distress is closer to what psychologists call personal distress, which is distinct from — and less helpful than — genuine empathy.
Why does empathy matter so much in relationships?
Feeling understood is central to intimacy. Reis and Shaver's (1988) model describes closeness as a cycle of sharing and responsive understanding. Because of this, growing empathy tends to be high-leverage — partners often report that being genuinely heard matters more to them than being helped.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Davis, M. H. (1983). Measuring individual differences in empathy: Evidence for a multidimensional approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 44(1), 113–126.
- Mayer, J. D., & Salovey, P. (1997). What is emotional intelligence? In P. Salovey & D. Sluyter (Eds.), Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence. Basic Books.
- Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships. Wiley.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.