How Couples Grow Together — The Psychology of Growing Closer Over Time
The evidence
What the research actually shows
One of the best-supported ideas here is Aron and colleagues' self-expansion model. In a series of studies including Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna and Heyman (2000), couples who took part in novel, engaging, and mildly challenging activities together reported higher relationship quality and more experienced excitement than couples who did merely pleasant or routine activities. Sharing new experiences appears to 'expand the self' and to re-associate the partner with excitement, which helps counteract the natural fading of early passion.
Everyday responsiveness matters at least as much as big adventures. Gottman's observational research on couples highlights 'bids for connection' — small attempts to get a partner's attention, affection, or support — and finds that thriving couples 'turn toward' these bids far more often than couples who later struggle. In his newlywed studies, partnerships that remained stable turned toward each other's bids the large majority of the time, while those that dissolved did so much less often. Growth, in this view, is built from thousands of small moments, not a few grand ones.
Couples also grow by helping each other become who they want to be. The 'Michelangelo phenomenon,' described by Rusbult, Finkel and Kumashiro (2009), is the pattern in which partners who affirm and support each other's ideal-self goals gradually 'sculpt' one another toward those aspirations, boosting both personal and relationship well-being. Related work by Feeney and Collins on thriving through relationships makes a similar point: a secure base that encourages exploration and growth strengthens the bond rather than threatening it.
Turning away from a partner's small bids, even without any conflict, is how couples can grow apart while rarely fighting.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Self-expansion works because humans are motivated to grow, learn, and broaden their sense of who they are, and we tend to bond with whatever helps us do that. When a partner is part of new experiences and personal expansion, the relationship itself becomes associated with growth and aliveness. Over years, couples who keep introducing novelty and shared challenge keep refreshing that association, while couples who let everything become routine slowly lose it.
Turning toward bids works through accumulation and trust. Each time a partner responds to a small bid — a comment, a sigh, a shared article — it deposits a little evidence that 'you matter to me and I am here.' These deposits build an emotional reserve that makes affection, repair, and closeness easier over time. Turning away or against bids, even without conflict, slowly drains that reserve, which is how couples can grow apart while rarely fighting.
Supporting each other's individual growth strengthens rather than threatens the bond because security and autonomy are not opposites. A partner who feels encouraged to pursue their goals tends to associate the relationship with becoming their best self, and to bring more vitality back into it. When couples instead treat a partner's growth or change as a threat, they tend to constrain each other, and the relationship stops evolving.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A couple several years in notices their conversations have shrunk to logistics, so they deliberately take up something new together — a class, a trip, a shared project that neither has done before. The novelty and mild challenge revive a sense of teamwork and excitement, a direct real-world echo of the self-expansion findings.
One partner mentions in passing that they are nervous about a work presentation. The other looks up from their phone, asks about it, and follows up afterward. It is a tiny exchange, but repeated thousands of times, this pattern of turning toward bids is what quietly keeps a couple feeling close and on the same team.
When one partner decides to go back to school or chase a long-held goal, the other rearranges routines to make room and celebrates the milestones. Rather than pulling them apart, actively backing each other's growth deepens respect and admiration, and the relationship grows alongside the two individuals in it.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that a strong relationship should more or less coast — that once you have found the right person, staying close happens automatically and needing to 'work at it' is a bad sign. The research points the other way: closeness is maintained through ongoing, intentional turning-toward and shared growth. Left on autopilot, even good relationships tend to drift toward parallel, separate lives.
People also assume growth mostly means big romantic gestures or dramatic reinvention. In practice, the strongest predictors are unglamorous and cumulative: responding to everyday bids, keeping some novelty alive, and supporting a partner's individual aspirations. Waiting for grand moments while ignoring the small daily ones tends to hollow a relationship out, no matter how impressive the occasional highlight.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
In practice, growing together looks like building small rituals of connection and deliberately introducing shared novelty, rather than waiting for closeness to regenerate on its own. Regular check-ins, shared projects, new experiences, and simple attention to a partner's daily bids all compound over time. Because these habits counteract the natural fading of passion and the natural pull toward routine, they are less about fixing a broken relationship than about tending a living one.
It also means holding growth and togetherness at the same time. Encouraging a partner's individual goals — and pursuing your own — tends to bring more vitality into the relationship than clinging to a fixed version of each other. The healthiest frame is co-authoring: two people intentionally shaping a shared life while supporting each other's becoming, rather than either merging completely or drifting into separate orbits.
Two directions a relationship can take
A side-by-side contrast to make the distinction concrete — patterns and tendencies, not rigid rules.
| Aspect | Growing together | Drifting apart |
|---|---|---|
| Everyday bids | Turn toward each other's small moments and requests | Turn away from or miss bids over time |
| New experiences | Keep trying novel, shared, mildly challenging things | Settle into parallel, separate routines |
| Each other's growth | Actively support the partner's becoming | Feel threatened by, or indifferent to, change |
| Overall direction | Co-author a shared future on purpose | Let momentum and neglect decide |
Where it varies
The nuance
Growth is not one-size-fits-all, and 'novelty' does not have to mean skydiving. For some couples it is travel and big projects; for others it is small experiments, new conversations, or learning something modest together. What matters is the ingredients — shared engagement, responsiveness, and mutual support for growth — not a particular lifestyle. Comparing your relationship's growth to someone else's highlight reel misses the point.
It is also worth being honest about limits. Much of this research is correlational, and intention alone cannot save every relationship — differences in values, timing, or capacity sometimes mean two people grow in genuinely divergent directions, and that is not always a failure of effort. The reliable, evidence-based takeaway is more modest and more useful: within a workable relationship, closeness responds to what you consistently do, and small, deliberate habits compound.
Key takeaways
- Growing together is intentional: couples build closeness through consistent choices, not by coasting on having found the right person.
- Turning toward small daily bids for connection is one of the strongest predictors of whether couples grow closer or drift apart.
- Sharing novel, engaging, and mildly challenging experiences expands the self and helps counter the natural fading of early passion.
- Supporting a partner's individual growth tends to strengthen the bond rather than threaten it — autonomy and security are not opposites.
- Effort is normal and healthy; even strong relationships drift toward separate lives without ongoing tending and turning-toward.
Questions people ask about this
What does it mean to grow together as a couple?
It means the relationship keeps evolving through shared experiences, mutual support, and daily connection, so both partners feel closer and more themselves over time. Research points to three ingredients: turning toward each other's bids, sharing novel experiences, and backing each other's individual growth. It tends to be intentional rather than automatic.
How do couples keep growing instead of drifting apart?
Largely by turning toward small daily bids for connection rather than away, keeping some novelty and shared challenge alive, and supporting each other's goals. Couples who let everything become routine and stop responding to small moments tend to drift, often without much conflict. Growth is built from consistent small actions.
Does trying new things together really strengthen a relationship?
Research on the self-expansion model suggests it does. Studies by Aron and colleagues found that couples who shared novel, engaging, and mildly challenging activities reported higher relationship quality and more excitement than those doing routine ones. New experiences appear to re-associate the partner with excitement and counter the fading of early passion.
What are bids for connection?
They are small attempts to get a partner's attention, affection, or support — a comment, a question, a shared article, a sigh. Gottman's research found that thriving couples turn toward these bids most of the time, while struggling couples turn away more often. These tiny moments accumulate into closeness or distance.
Can supporting a partner's individual growth pull a couple apart?
It usually does the opposite when done well. The Michelangelo phenomenon describes how partners who affirm each other's ideal-self goals tend to strengthen both the individuals and the bond. Security and autonomy are not opposites; a partner who feels encouraged often brings more vitality back into the relationship.
Is it a bad sign if a relationship takes work?
Not at all. The evidence suggests closeness is maintained through ongoing, intentional turning-toward and shared growth, not left on autopilot. Even strong relationships drift toward separate, parallel lives without that tending. Needing to invest is normal and healthy, not a sign that something is wrong.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction. Hemisphere.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
- Rusbult, C. E., Finkel, E. J., & Kumashiro, M. (2009). The Michelangelo phenomenon. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 18(6), 305–309.
- Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.