How Couples Fall Back in Love — What Research Shows
The evidence
What the research actually shows
The self-expansion model offers one of the clearest findings. Aron and colleagues (2000) showed that couples who engage in novel, exciting, shared activities report higher relationship quality than those doing pleasant but routine activities. The proposed mechanism is that new experiences expand each partner's sense of self and get associated with the relationship, restoring some of the excitement that early love supplied through discovery. Reintroducing novelty can therefore help couples feel drawn to each other again.
Gratitude appears to strengthen bonds. Gordon and colleagues (2012) found that feeling and expressing appreciation was linked to greater relationship maintenance and responsiveness over time, in a cycle where gratitude prompts partners to invest more, which generates more to be grateful for. This suggests that noticing and voicing what you value in a partner can help rebuild warmth that has faded into being taken for granted.
Gottman's research on trust (2011) emphasizes small everyday moments. Partners constantly make bids for attention and connection, and 'turning toward' those bids rather than ignoring them predicts relationship stability and closeness. Reconnecting is often less about grand gestures than about consistently responding to each other's small overtures. None of these mechanisms is specific to one gender; they appear to help couples broadly.
The mechanism
Why this happens
Early love supplies novelty automatically. When people first get together, almost everything about each other is new, which is inherently expanding and exciting. Over time that discovery slows, and the relationship can settle into routine — not because love died, but because the built-in source of novelty ran out and was not replaced.
Attention drifts toward the familiar and away from the partner. As a relationship becomes predictable, people can stop actively noticing each other, taking presence and effort for granted. Research on gratitude suggests that appreciation naturally erodes without attention, which dulls warmth even in fundamentally sound relationships.
Small disconnections accumulate. When bids for connection are repeatedly missed — a comment brushed off, a moment of interest ignored — partners gradually turn away from each other. The distance often builds through many minor lapses rather than one dramatic event, which is also why it can be rebuilt through many small reconnections.
By the numbers
Figures come from the studies cited at the end of this page. Numbers describe group averages and study samples, not rules about individuals.
In practice
What this looks like in real life
A couple stuck in routine takes up a new activity together — a class, travel, a shared project — and finds some of the old spark returning. The novelty gives them fresh experiences to associate with each other, echoing the self-expansion effect.
One partner starts regularly voicing specific appreciation instead of only noticing what goes wrong, and the emotional climate warms as gratitude prompts more mutual investment over time.
Two people who had drifted begin paying attention to each other's small bids again — looking up when the other speaks, asking follow-up questions, responding to a touch — and closeness gradually rebuilds through these everyday moments rather than one grand gesture.
A couple worn down by the logistics of young kids sets aside a short standing time each week — a walk, coffee after bedtime — to talk about anything other than the household. The protected ritual slowly reopens a channel that busyness had quietly closed.
Myth vs. evidence
What most people get wrong about this
A common misconception is that fading intensity means love is gone and the relationship is over. Research suggests routine and inattention dull closeness in ways that are often reversible, and that many couples who feel they have fallen out of love have really fallen into neglect that can be addressed.
It is also a mistake to expect a single dramatic gesture to fix disconnection. Evidence points more toward consistent small actions — novelty, gratitude, turning toward each other — sustained over time. That said, rekindling practices are not a cure-all; serious issues like betrayal or contempt usually need deeper repair.
Why it matters
What this means for relationships
Reconnection is often something couples can actively work at rather than wait to happen. Deliberately building in shared novelty, practicing appreciation, and responding to each other's small overtures gives partners concrete levers, which can be reassuring when a relationship feels flat but not broken.
Because these habits are mutual, they tend to work best when both partners engage, though even one person shifting toward gratitude and turning toward the other can start a positive cycle. When disconnection stems from deeper wounds, these practices may need to be paired with honest repair or professional support.
At a glance: average tendencies
Broad averages with heavy overlap — many people differ from their group's tendency. This is a map, not a measurement of any one person.
| Aspect | ● Men (avg.) | ● Women (avg.) |
|---|---|---|
| Response to shared novelty | Reconnects through new experiences | Reconnects through new experiences |
| Response to expressed gratitude | Feels valued, invests more in return | Feels valued, invests more in return |
| Turning toward small bids | Builds closeness over time | Builds closeness over time |
| What one person can start | Can begin a positive cycle | Can begin a positive cycle |
Where it varies
The nuance
These processes are not strongly gendered. Novelty, gratitude, and responsiveness appear to help men and women broadly, and the differences between individuals matter more than any average difference between the sexes. Janet Hyde's gender similarities hypothesis (2005) supports treating these as broadly human relationship dynamics.
How well rekindling works depends on the underlying situation. When the foundation is sound and the issue is drift, these practices can be quite effective; when there is ongoing contempt, unaddressed betrayal, or fundamental incompatibility, they are unlikely to be enough on their own. Results vary, and not every relationship can or should be rekindled.
Many couples who feel they have fallen out of love have really fallen into neglect — and neglect can be addressed.
Key takeaways
- Fading intensity often reflects routine and neglect, not lost love — and neglect is frequently reversible.
- Shared novelty, expressed gratitude, and turning toward each other's small bids are the best-supported ways to rebuild closeness.
- Reconnection tends to come from consistent small actions over time, not a single dramatic gesture.
- These practices are broadly human — they help men and women in similar ways.
- Even one partner shifting toward gratitude and responsiveness can start a positive cycle.
- Rekindling works best when the foundation is sound; betrayal or contempt usually needs deeper repair.
Questions people ask about this
Can couples really fall back in love?
Research suggests many can, especially when fading feelings stem from routine and inattention rather than deeper damage. Deliberately reintroducing shared novelty, appreciation, and everyday responsiveness can rebuild closeness. Results vary, though, and relationships with serious unresolved problems may need more than these practices.
What actually helps rekindle a relationship?
Evidence points to a few things: engaging in novel, exciting shared activities that expand each partner's sense of self, expressing genuine gratitude, and consistently turning toward each other's small bids for connection. These tend to work gradually and through repetition rather than through one grand gesture.
Why do couples fall out of love in the first place?
Often it is less a loss of love than a slow drift. Early novelty fades, attention drifts, appreciation erodes, and small bids for connection go unanswered. Research suggests these accumulate quietly, dulling warmth even in fundamentally sound relationships, which is partly why the process can sometimes be reversed.
Does novelty really bring back the spark?
Studies on self-expansion suggest shared novel and exciting activities are linked to higher relationship quality than routine ones. The proposed reason is that new experiences get associated with the relationship, restoring some early excitement. It tends to help, though it is one ingredient rather than a guaranteed fix.
Can one person rebuild a connection alone?
These habits work best when both partners engage, but even one person shifting toward gratitude and turning toward the other can sometimes start a positive cycle. When disconnection comes from deeper wounds, though, one-sided effort is often not enough and honest repair or support may be needed.
When is a relationship too far gone to rekindle?
Research suggests rekindling practices work best when the foundation is sound and the problem is drift. When there is ongoing contempt, unaddressed betrayal, or fundamental incompatibility, these steps are usually not enough on their own. Not every relationship can or should be rekindled, and that is worth honoring.
Research sources
These references point to the published research and established frameworks behind this page. They are provided for further reading; see our research methodology for how sources are selected.
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274.
- Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton.
- Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60(6), 581–592.
Last reviewed by the Men Women Psychology editorial team.
Written and reviewed by the Men Women Psychology Editorial Team against our editorial standards. This article is educational and is not a substitute for professional advice.